Hoovering: Beware of This Joy-Sucking Manipulation Tactic

Disclaimer: This article about hoovering is meant to be a source of valuable information for the reader; however, it is not a substitute for direct expert assistance. Seek help from a professional therapist or counselor for further information.

“Babe, I’ve changed.”

“A beautiful gift for a beautiful person like yourself.”

“At our favorite spot right now. Missing you each passing day.”

Beware of these words if they come from a toxic ex-partner because there’s a huge chance that they’re hoovering. So before you can reconsider their words, think to yourself: Would you want to get hurt again tenfold by this person? 

Yup, exactly,

Delve deeper into the abusive tactic of hoovering, the forms it can appear, and how to avoid being ridiculed another time with worse consequences.

What is Hoovering?

According to Healthline, they defined Hoovering as:

“a manipulation tactic that someone might use to suck you back into a potentially toxic relationship.”

It’s also a type of emotional abuse or blackmail to seduce you back to your abusive partner. Through lies and faux promises, among many repulsive signs, power play is heavily involved in sucking you back into their toxic circle. And even if you get tempted to take a bite of their attention, doing so makes them win.

This tactic is especially done by narcissists, those who want to regain control over you after a bad relationship. According to couple’s therapist Antonia Di Leo, LMFT, she adds how the scheme of hoovering is “used by individuals with narcissist, borderline, anti-social, or histrionic personality disorder”.

Due to this, this leads to emotional and physical distress for the victim. With their overall beings drained of happiness, the hoovers feed on that for their narcissistic impulses.

Why Do Narcissists Engage in Hoovering

To define, narcissists are people with strong self-involvement in which the opinions, needs, and presence of others mean nothing to them. They don’t acknowledge them without thinking they’re hurting others by their actions. Even if narcissism is a personality trait, there’s a spectrum to it from high to low narcissistic traits. Extreme cases can lead to Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

Back to hoovering, narcissists are commonly found at the crime scene. They’ll fake it until they make it up to their ex-partner merely for their self-worth. The said ex-partner would be a pawn in their mind games, ready to be dropped when they’re no longer useful. In other words, hoovering is a narcissist’s way to reclaim power over their exes, especially if they’re aware of how easily hung up their ex is on them. They’ll play with their fragile emotions, flattering them with any move they make towards their ex so they crawl back to them.

Another reason behind a narcissist’s intention to hoover is their weak emotional dependency. They need their ex-partner, or people in general, to feed their ego because you have something that makes them want to stay around, but not in the best way. So if anyone catches on to their intentions and motives, they’ll reject the narcissist immediately. However, that’s the last thing a narcissist wants because they cannot stand such heartbreak or pain.

As much as possible, a narcissist avoids any negative feelings related to abandonment or disapproval towards them. It affects their ego to feel superior and mighty above everyone, so they’ll do what it takes to control and take back people that make them feel whole. Because once again, they can care less about their victims as long they can regain their “picture-perfect lifestyle”.

Identifying the Signs of Hoovering

Now that you know what goes behind the narcissist’s mind when it comes to hoovering, you’re aware of how dangerous it can be for the victim. To stay more alert, we gathered 15 crucial signs of this tactic to look out for so nobody doesn’t fall in to a narcissist’s trap.

1 They’re lovebombing you.

Who doesn’t love getting attention? You’d take it as a means to feel good and loved, unless it came from a toxic, narcissistic ex. It’s like they’re trying to court you again from back then, undoing their mistakes and starting over like you’re new to the dating scene. As they shower you with endless gifts, compliments, and contact, there’s the sudden push to get physically touchy and recommit with you.

But no, that shouldn’t be the case. It’s all a scam to get you into your feelings, so their real intentions blind you. Act cautiously upon such attention, but never give them an ounce of yours. They’re an ex for a reason, bestie. You’re worth more than being dropped instantly like a toy.

2 They’re giving faux repentance towards the past.

Out of the blue, an ex-partner suddenly expresses their deep apologies for their bad actions from before. That they shouldn’t have done them to you, that they were in the wrong, and that they didn’t mean them one bit. After this, they’ll follow it up by saying they want to make things right by getting back together. If they add that they won’t repeat their mistakes, stop right there.

There may be manipulative motives behind this, especially if the breakup was bad. Nobody can change that quickly either, so might as well turn a blind eye to this sign of hoovering.

3 They suddenly reconnect and contact you.

As if nothing bad occurred between you and your ex, they’ll casually drop by your messages or in person. They’ll think of all sorts of topics to get your undivided attention, by saying they forgot something at your place or have something that belongs to you. You’re probably too occupied with other things to notice, but if you’re sure nothing was left behind, you’re sure they’re bluffing.

They can also remember a past moment, then tell you about it. It’s so they’re reimplanted in your mind again. Another way they want to reconnect with you is through the “let’s be friends at least” excuse, which should be a no-no. Your past with them has gone too far to ever be okay again.

In terms of doing it in person, they can show up on your doorstep or workplace without question. If it’s a holiday or event, it gives them an advantage to “be polite” so they can celebrate it. This leads to your discomfort, fearing of being rude on a special occasion. But be aware that’s what they want you to feel – because they only care about themselves, not you.

4 They create fake emergencies.

From faking a death within their family or being diagnosed with an unexpected illness, they want to gain your pity instantly because pretending to be in a life or death situation is the easiest way to make someone vulnerable. They can reach out to you at random times, when you least expect it because it’s an “emergency” after all. The goal here is to gain your concern and worry for them, resulting in you reaching out to them regardless of your status.

5 They gaslight you.

“I gave you everything you wanted, but in the end, you still choose to end it. I wasn’t that bad of a lover to you. You’re so ungrateful for not accepting who I am and my flaws.” In an already broken-up relationship, they’ll have the audacity to twist the narrative against your favor. It’s to put your state of mind in doubt of your past decisions. They want you to question whether it was the right thing to do. 

The truth here is that they don’t want to take responsibility for their actions. They’re projecting their pain on you instead of themselves because narcissists despise vulnerability and abandonment. So trust your gut feeling here like your guardian angels. Don’t let a toxic ex tell you you’re in the wrong for ending a destructive cycle.

6 They’ll make over-the-top promises.

If there’s a place you’ve always wanted to explore in the past, they’ll try to guarantee that they’ll take you there. Or whatever dreams you’ve had with them, whether to own a home, marry you, or start a family, they’ll trick you into making it happen because they got you hung up on the fantasy. They’re taking advantage of your future aspirations for their present needs. So unwind from your expectations and step away from letting your hoovering ex-partner get away with it.

7 They interact with mutual companions to get to you.

If you’re not in contact, they’ll use your mutual companions to reach you. Whether they’re friends or your family members, they can play the victim card so they can earn sympathy for the breakup. They can also pretend to take accountability for their actions, constantly declaring how much they miss you and regret letting you go just like that. Don’t let the hoover brainwash your mutual companions, who should inform you if your hoovering ex-partner reaches out to them.

8 They gossip about you to others.

Narcissists love drama. They don’t care who gets hurt as long it gets them what they want. And by drama, they can make up any fake gossip and rumors about you and your relationships with others to rile you up. Whether it’s how you insulted someone behind their back or fought another physically, they can come up with anything so drastic to piss people off.

And with that effect, your reputation and relationships with others get jeopardized. Once you lose your confidence, they can pretend to be the “hero” of your narrative who’ll rescue you from these lies. But again, it’s all part of their bigger plan.

9 They profess out-of-place declarations of unconditional love.

You could be at home on your day off having a cup of coffee and a sandwich out in public, then suddenly, your narcissistic ex declares the big 3 words for everyone to hear. You didn’t even know where they came from. Yet here they are, making a fool of themselves and putting you on the spot. Narcissists want you to feel uncomfortable, to put you in a position that makes it difficult to reject. That’s not what real love is about, folks.

10 They have the urge to know where their ex-partner is at all times.

Narcissists want control no matter what. So they’ll step out of line by bombarding you with direct, harsh messages regarding where you are. And even if you meant to ignore them, it can lead to stalking. They can track your whereabouts virtually or try to follow your daily routine because they hate the idea that you’re your own person, not who they envisioned you to be in their heads.

11 They like to indirectly message you on social media.

In Filipino terms, narcissists want to make “parinig” about what they’re doing in life to make you feel insecure. Whether it’s a new partner or visiting places you both used to go, they’ll flaunt it to the point ans shrug it off like it’s a “coincidence”. The point here is that through indirect contact, they’ll use it to drive you wild. But don’t let them through this door, and close it when you can. 

12 They’ll threaten self-harm against you.

Worst comes to worst, and it’s through emotionally blackmailing you with a life or death situation. If you don’t reach out to their texts or calls, they’ll threaten to commit self-harm or suicide. They want to put you in a risky situation when they’re in desperate need of your attention and have no remorse for how far they want to go. If this puts you believe this puts them and their companions at risk, you have to contact the necessary authorities to handle this.

How To Deal With A Hoovering Narcissist

As we laid down the relevant signs of hoovering, you may be wondering how we can confront the situation and stop it. Don’t worry; we have tips for your safety and protection.

1 Don’t bother to acknowledge their presence.

Narcissists thrive on attention, so hoovering is their best shot at getting the best of you. Whether in person or virtually, sparing a glance at them will make them crave you more. Distance yourself as much as possible and ignore any advances they’ve made at you. The relationship ended for a reason, so they need to live with that whether they like it or not.

2 Focus on your needs.

Narcissists may have you questioning your self-worth after everything they put you through for their own ego. As they have no empathy for others, it’ll make you lose hope and joy towards your own being. Thus, as much as possible, take this time to do what you want and need.

Rebuild your identity and find your spark again in life. Try that new hobby they never wanted you to just because “it didn’t suit the character they built in their head of you.” Self-care isn’t selfish, unlike how they were with you because their self-care involved hurting others.

3 Deeply establish your boundaries.

Narcissists don’t care about the boundaries you’ve set for them. They’ll do what it takes to get what they want to fulfill their fantasy life. So don’t let them throw you around like a rag doll. Stand up for yourself when you see aspects of your life being ridiculed or disrespected by them. They’ll hate the rejection, trying to fight back by gaslighting you.

But if you have a clear set of boundaries, you’d know when they crossed the line. Boundaries are there to protect both of you, but instead, they’re hurting you. Be firm with your stance, and create more distinct boundaries to know when to end the relationship. For example, if they keep questioning your whereabouts and getting mad regardless of the answer, even if it’s with your family, that’s a red flag right there.

This tip doesn’t just apply to a narcissist, but in life in general. Don’t let others step on you if you have boundaries set intact. Learn also what easily makes you vulnerable, then protect it by placing a boundary there.

4 Get away from this person as far as possible.

If you’re in a situation where you’re still together with a hoovering narcissist, slowly cut ties with them. You can start with living at your family home again (if you’re married or live-in) or looking for other places to stay. You can also opt to pack your clothes piece by piece, get a new number, separate your bank accounts, and minimize physical interaction with each other (without suspicion). Keep your plan discreet and still avidly communicate with them as if nothing has changed so they don’t catch on and try to trap you.

Once your plans of escape are complete, find the time when they’re not present to leave. Block their number and socials afterwards, and turn off your location so they can’t find you. Only close and trusted companions who know what you’re going through should know where you’re going and swear not to tell the hoover your whereabouts.

5 Seek professional help.

A relationship with a hoover can affect you mentally after all that manipulation and fake promises. You’d view yourself as lowly because of how far they led you on to their lies and such. Thus, therapy can allow you to open up and heal from the pain. Day by day, no judgment. Just being able to move on with your life in lighter spirits.

Legal-wise, if this hoover is going beyond measure to get to you that affects your overall life, some laws can protect you from this. Don’t be afraid to file a crime against them because it’ll keep them coming back, and you don’t deserve a life of fear.

• Republic Act No. 11313: Safe Spaces Act (Bawal Bastos Law)
• Republic Act 9262: Anti-Violence Against Women and Their Children Act of 2004

Frequently Asked Questions

Bombarded with more questions about hoovering? We answered some common inquiries about this narcissistic tactic down below.

1 Where was hoovering coined from?

Hoovering came from the term “Hoover maneuver”. It was coined from a well-known vacuum cleaner, often referencing how abusers try to “suck up” one’s joy from others to power up their narcissistic urges.

2 Are narcissists the only ones doing this tactic?

No. Hoovering lies in a range of intentional to unintentional behaviors. Though according to psychotherapist Nicholas Moran, LMHC, he shares how this act is “a common characteristic of people who exhibit narcissistic traits and is employed from a conscious or unconscious effort to obtain and maintain control over another person or persons.”

3 Is hoovering a personality trait?

No. It’s a behavior rooted in major insecurity and fragility wherein people refuse to be abandoned by anyone. Thus, there’s a need to establish power over them.

4 What are other ways to pinpoint hoovering?

One is when the victimized partner distances themselves from their hoovering partner to avoid more manipulation, standing on firmer ground. Another is constantly having quarrels, wherein the perpetrating partner soon realizes their actions may push their victim away. Last is when the hoovering partners start getting scared of losing the relationship.

5 Is there a difference between hoovering and getting back together?

Hoovering is a vicious cycle where the narcissist misses what you can offer, not you. Then with getting back together with an ex, it’s possible that if two former partners ended the relationship mutually without bad blood. Oh, and no signs of narcissism on both ends.

Takeaway

Hoovering can be a tricky tactic to spot because it’s natural for us humans to give a second chance to others, no matter what happens. To even attempt and rekindle a friendship before a relationship, you’d have an urge to try in the hope of not losing the platonic bond forever. However, if the past you shared with a narcissistic ex-partner was filled with abuse and pain, you may want to reconsider rekindling that flame.

If you know that you don’t want to risk another period of life being toxic, it’s time to stand firm and stand up to this hoover. Or if you’re frightened to take a chance on leaving the relationship if you’re still together, reach out to the authorities for the necessary help to get you out of it. At the end of the day, never let one’s manipulation of you dominate your life.