Sex With an Ex: Is It Worth It?

Sex with an ex may seem like a nightmare for most people. Especially if they ended on bad terms, the last thing you’d want to happen is having sex with them. However, sex with an ex may not be too bad in other cases, as long as you have good, clear intentions with it. This can even lead to the label called “ex-with-benefits.”

This type of sex has contrasting views, which we’ll discuss in this very guide. And if you’re someone who is quite open to going down this path, we have some crucial tips to remember to ensure the overall protection of your well-being.  

What Counts As Sex With an Ex?

Verywell Mind counts sex with an ex or “ex sex” beyond two weeks after a couple officially splits. Any earlier time than that is usually referred to as breakup sex. This distinction is helpful to figure out where one stands if they decide to have sexual relations with their ex.

Reasons Why People Have Sex With an Ex

Such reasons vary from the good, the restless, and even the petty ones. They vary per couple and the unique circumstances they were put in, so let’s explore some of them through this section.

1 They want to show them what they’re missing out on.

Perhaps the breakup happened so swiftly and unexpectedly that you just never saw it coming! So when there’s an open door to be sexual with an ex once again, you want to give them the full package of what you can do in the bed. The whole “you’ll never be able to replace me” or “they’ll never please you the way I do” comes into play, almost as if teasing them to take you back.

But out of confidence, you wouldn’t really need them anymore. They chose to leave you, so you should leave them too.

2 It’s an act of closure.

Mind you, closure is something you give to yourself, not something that you ask from someone else.

However, in terms of a breakup, you would want to be able to end things right and civilly. For your peace of mind especially. Plus, by getting closure, you’ll also be saying goodbye or see you later to sex for a while, especially if hooking up isn’t your thing. As a result, sex as an ex is an option. A very well-known one taken by a lot of people, which must also be approached carefully.

3 Sex, in general, is fun!

Regardless of who it is! Well, unless your ex has a new person, then you shouldn’t get entangled with them anymore.

4 They’re familiar with one another.

When there’s familiarity, things run more seamlessly and easily. There’s also more comfort, regardless of the kind of relationship they had. In terms of sex, they know how to please you, your kinks, boundaries, limits, and more. But just like most reasons listed here, this one can go in both a healthy and toxic way.

5 They’re still heartbroken.

Listen, breakups are painful. 

After investing so much time, effort, and emotions towards someone, they no longer become relevant. Hence, moving on takes a while for most people, depending on the gravity of their relationship. It’s not easy to walk away from someone that meant a lot to them. And perhaps by having sex with an ex, it will heal their broken heart. That it’ll mend all the pain away bit by bit so they can finally move forward with their life. 

However, this can go in either good or bad ways, so act cautiously.

6 They want to get back together.

Engaging in sex with an ex may be a possible path to having a second chance with one another. Or at least have the option to rekindle your connection. In some cases, some couples break up to have some time apart and then get back together, stronger than ever.

7 You were bored.

One day, you just decided to hit up your ex because you needed some extra spice and thrill in your life. That doesn’t necessarily mean that your entire life is uneventful, but more like the present needs more action. And by action, having sex with an ex can do just the job!

8 The dating climate is not the best.

I think we can all agree that, for some reason, the dating world right now isn’t the best. From cheaters to emotionally unavailable people, finding someone we can truly commit to is difficult. Hence, those newly single people become impatient and opt for an “easier” solution via their ex. After all, their ex was someone who once gave them joy and hope in dating.

9 They don’t want to have sex with a stranger.

For some people, they’re not down to do the deed with someone they don’t know. Usually, that means starting from phase 1 or ground zero, which is getting to know one another and experiencing not-so-good sexcapades at the start.

10 They’re eager to be an option.

Perhaps the breakup was something you weren’t expecting, yet you’re still eager to be an option for this person. And even vice versa! You or they are willing to be on the backburner by having sex under the idea that there’s still potential for your relationship to return. But mind you, this can also be an emotionally painful route one can take.

11 It was a spur of a moment decision.

So you may or may not have stumbled on your ex at a bar, had a few drinks, and ended up hooking up. Almost like an old habit. This occurrence may be a once-in-a-million chance, but nothing can truly be impossible in this world.

However, let this be a fervent reminder that out of safety, you shouldn’t engage in the deed while under the influence.

12 They’re sexually frustrated.

It can happen! In fact, it’s just bound to happen.

After breaking up, that usually means no sex right away (unless you’re already looking for quick hookups). But usually, no sex post-breakup paves the way for a dry spell, leading to sexual frustration. All while dealing with the emotional pain of a breakup, especially when you’ve been with this person for a long time.

Benefits of Sex With an Ex

Perhaps hitting up an ex may actually do you some good as long as you’re careful. Browse through this section to learn more about those good things.

1 There’s that possibility of getting back together.

Everyone knows that a lot of broken-up couples have thoughts revolving around getting back with an ex. It’s normal and common.

While we emphasize the importance of proper communication (e.g., talking about what needs to change to make things work out), sex with an ex may also respark their bond. Like, who knows, they’ll remember the reasons why they love each other and why getting back would be a great thing to do.

However, the latter can’t just occur with the former!

2 It’s actually common.

This study shows that “27% of 17- to 24-year-olds report having sex with an ex within a 2-year period”. That includes both men and women. And in that same article, 22% of separated married couples also engage in sexual relations “within the last 4 months”. May it be from the familiarity and comfort they find in one another or simply craving sex that’s accessible, people would find ways to do it with their ex.

3 There’s less pressure on both ends.

In contrast to having sex with a stranger or new partner, having sex with an ex feels easier and lighter. There are no expectations set in stone, leading to more exploration that can deepen your current status. And mentally, you can relax into it and just go with the flow.

4 It can simmer any hard feelings.

This benefit is best for those who broke up on good terms. Having sex with an ex can possibly lessen any tension and pain, allowing the two to move on easily. Rather than holding on to the sad memories, they’d have the sex and the good memories to look back on instead.

5 There’s more excitement and exploration.

Even if it’s common, having sex with an ex feels like taboo. It makes you go, “Why would you even do that?” But even with these thoughts, it may get overpowered by the inviting fun it can bring. You’re more likely to discover more new things about each other that you didn’t get to unravel in the past. At the same time, there’s a sense of comfort and predictability since you know one another. These things contrast but blend in seamlessly.

Drawbacks of Sex With an Ex

As expected, having sex with an ex will have its cons. Browse through this very section to learn more about what those cons are.

1 Things can get complicated.

For one, not everyone can do a no-strings-attached setup. It’s highly possible for one to be more emotionally invested, while the other craves the casualty of it. Another way such a setup is complicated is how it’ll be hard to explain to people where you two actually stand. Like you two broke up, but you’re having sex? Seems unconventional for most people even if it’s a normal instance.

2 Negative behaviors and attitudes may be exhibited.

This drawback when you have sex with an ex can go different ways. One is the possibility of getting back together, even if it’s not the best choice because the relationship as a whole was toxic. Or maybe certain dynamics of the relationships were unhealthy.

Two, you’ll have a hard time moving on as you keep having sex with an ex. You’re living in the present, yet constantly revisiting the past.

Third, you’ll forget the reason why you broke up in the first place. This is especially crucial when you broke up with a toxic person, yet you’re still sleeping with them. Has their negative traits not sunk into your brain yet?

And lastly, you may end up making bad decisions. For example, you’re letting them over your place a lot more than usual. Or maybe talking to them romantically even if it’s already over between you two.

3 There’s the sexual double standard.

Women get more shame for engaging in casual sex than men. As a result, women who choose to have sex with an ex are ridiculed more while for men, it’s “part of their nature”. Even if the intentions are good, the ladies still get more negativity out of it.

4 Your self-esteem gets a downgrade.

In some situations, it’s likely for one to be co-dependent on an ex that they only feel “whole” when they’re with them. And if they break up, it takes a toll on their self-esteem and confidence. Hence, by having sex with them even after breaking up, it’ll just hurt them more even if physically, it feels good.

5 The regret afterwards can be very painful.

If having sex with an ex was a one-time thing, there are cases wherein you’re more likely going to regret it. It may either make you miss the good times or highlight just why you and that ex had to end things. 

Questions to Ask Yourself Before Sex With an Ex

Keep these questions in mind when you’re making this rather big decision.

1. Is it worth it?
2. Why do I want to have sex with them?
3. Am I trying to avoid moving on?
4. Will this hurt me or benefit me more?
5. Am I fully secure in myself?
6. What will I gain from this experience?
7. Am I ready to be viewed differently?

These questions will provide you more insight on where you stand on your former relationship and also your mental and emotional well-being. You have to be clear with your intentions rather than go blind and get hurt in the process.

How to Safely Have Sex With an Ex

If you’re eager to engage in such sexual relations with a former flame, take your time reading this section of tips. That way, it’ll keep you protected and you’ll be more knowledgeable and smart as you navigate this rather tricky route.

1 Tread carefully.

Checking in with yourself to see if having sex with an ex is good for you remains the most important tip. While using some of the questions we provided as a guide, deeply inspect your past with this person and the new intentions you’ll have in this possibly new phase in your life with them. Be completely honest with yourself about whether it’s a good decision at the current time and what good you’ll gain from it. 

It may also help to list down your own personal pros and cons list since relationships vary case by case.

2 Be firm in setting proper boundaries.

Let’s expound on this a little further. When you mix breakups and sex together, things can get quite hazy. You were romantic and sexual with this partner in the past, but things are different now. You can get physical with them, but there’s none of those romantic, intimate feelings mixed in them. Although respect must remain consistent!

3 Communication is key!

Beforehand, you should already enforce what your boundaries and limits are so they don’t get crossed. Then during the deed, if something is troubling you, let them know. No mind-reading here!

4 Apply safe sex practices.

Don’t miss out on the condoms and birth control, even if you’re having sex with an ex. In fact, it’s more important to do so since it’s a type of casual sex.

5 Debrief your mood afterwards.

This tip is extra important if you won’t be having sex with an ex just once. Recall how you felt at every moment with them. If they’re all good, then it should be okay to do it again. But if it wasn’t as great as you expected, wherein old, negative feelings resurface or you weren’t feeling it, then you might as well not pursue any further.

Takeaway

Having sex with an ex can be a hit or miss. What’s important is to have emotional stability and maturity to pursue it to avoid any complications along the way. But at the end of the day, it’s still up to you and your intentions to decide if it’s the best thing to engage in. All that sex with an ex can provide is slight reconnection and intimacy with one another in the present moment. But if we’re talking about long-term consequences, it can vary.

We hope that this guide can aid you in making the right decisions, dear reader!