What is Benching: 8 Stressful Signs That You’re Being Sidelined

What is benching? Is that related to sports?

Well, yes. And it can also be applied in dating and relationships.

And if you think being ghosted or having a situationship is tough, benching is on top of them. The dating world continues to expand and explore new ways to court and bond with someone, some of which may not benefit others.

Imagine being liked by someone, but they keep you as an option as they continue searching for other people. That doesn’t really scream romantic to us; it sounds more like they’re leading you on. And for them to find it so easy to set you aside and pull you out when they need you? That’s a big fat no.

Well, that’s one way to describe benching for you. And in this guide, we’ll discuss more about it and how to avoid it.

What is Benching?

The term benching or benched came from sports, wherein you keep a player (like a reserve) on the bench as a backup. It can be due to a player switch-up or an unexpected physical incident that makes an active player unable to participate. Getting off the bench can be rare and even frustrating, especially when you have just as strong a drive to play on the field or court.

Now apply that idea to dating.

Psychology Today defines benching as a situation wherein “someone keeps you as a backup in dating because that person is interested in someone else.” 

And by backup plan, it’s possible that you’re not even their first, second, or third choice. It can be because of your personality and interests, which don’t fully align with theirs. So instead, you’re just an option when things don’t work out for them. That’s much worse than parting ways mutually and moving on to find better people.

Here you are, stringing along to their roster hoping they change their mind. Then, at some point, you’d get frustrated with waiting and complain, saying, “Put me on the field, coach. I’m ready.”

Almost like pleading with the coach to give you a chance, except they ignore it and continue on with the game. You stay back until further notice. Now add that analogy with the person you like, the one benching you. It’s painful for them to push you aside like that when you want to play an active role in their life. To be their main partner, but they don’t resonate with you fully as they lead you on.

Walking away may also be more challenging than you expect as they hit you up every now and then to “keep the spark alive.”

Why Do People Engage in Benching?

Check out this section to learn some various reasons behind people’s intentions to bench someone. 

1 They don’t want to settle down yet.

There’s a lot of fish in the sea! You can look at this concept in a good or bad way. From someone who engages in benching, it becomes a negative mindset. It makes them think that they venture through various people from top to bottom, except they are fully committed. They simply want a lot of options to choose from, depending on their needs. Then, when a certain need is given, they discard them to the benches until they’re relevant again. A-hole move, right?

2 They’re emotionally unavailable.

Healthline defines being emotionally unavailable as “describes the inability to sustain emotional bonds in relationships.” In other words, this person strays away from opening up about emotional experiences and doesn’t ask much about your life and interests. They may even make you do all the work in the relationship and also take control of how you spend time with one another. 

Being emotionally unavailable occurs due to their life circumstances, from experiencing failed relationships to attachment issues from childhood. Because of this, they just have a lot going on internally and their plate is full. Hence, adding a relationship isn’t ideal for them. Instead, they test the waters with various people, keeping them on a bench in case they need attention or affection.

3 There are constant changes in the dating realm.

We grew up with the belief that every relationship starts with courtship, so it’s happy and successful. But nowadays, the rules can be bent. You can have casual sex with anyone without the expectation of getting together. Relationships can be open and ethically non-monogamous. Your lifelong partner can even be found online instead of just going on blind dates or meeting them around town. 

Such changes can be overwhelming, clouding their judgment on the kind of relationship they want. So they’d rather choose numerous people and stack them up as options until they find the person who fits all their boxes. But then again, they have to go through numerous other people who may not be aware of what they’re doing.

Especially with online dating, wherein benching is further enabled as someone can talk to numerous people simultaneously. The more options they have, the better they feel. Just no.

4 They have unrealistic expectations.

A bencher easily gets the ick as they spot the most subtle inconvenience or flaw towards someone. Even any sort of conflict is enough to bench someone. Hence, their options keep increasing, and more benches are added near their playing field.

Aside from getting the ick, it’s possible of benching to occur when one person can’t fill a certain standard they’re looking for. As a result, they put them aside then search for someone who will. It can be a neverending cycle as standards grow and change, leading to more benches of people who want to be chosen and “play in their field”.

5 They’re not fully into you.

Face it. You can have such unique traits about yourself that stands out from other people. And yet, you’re not good enough in their eyes. Not only are you an option, but there are other people in their roster who rank higher and tick all their boxes.

Such a blow to your self-esteem, that’s for sure. But don’t give such power to a bencher. As said by Joe from the Princess Diaries, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Plus, are you really going to put all your cards in for one person who can’t reciprocate your time and energy?

Yeah, exactly.

Emotional Effects of Benching

Finding out that you’re being benched can be a wild rollercoaster ride. Let’s get into each possible emotion that can rise up to the surface through this section.

1 Confused

You believed this person was really into you with their thoughts and actions. But this whole time, you were just one person from their roster. You weren’t as special as you think you were to them. Like why would they do that to you? Or also why did you not catch any suspicious signs beforehand to prevent this from ever happening?

2 Annoyed and Pissed Off

When you find you were their main person, you’re very much WTF mode. It feels like a betrayal, a waste of your time if you’re just one of many options to them. Especially when you’ve really opened up to them, it angers you that you let them in only for them not to be completely onboard with you.

3 Self-doubt

Seeing that you’re an option to this person, someone they put aside, it makes you ponder on your self-worth. Like where did you lack? What made them think that you should be on the bench? Or did I do or say something that gave them the ick? Those are just examples of questions that can come up. And because of that, feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem creep in. You’d think that you’re not good enough for anyone.

4 Self-blame and pity

As you view yourself lowly, you’d always feel bad about and sorry for yourself. You’d also think you aren’t worthy of a love and relationship that’s whole and true. The reflection of your value and worth would be merely based on what this bencher feels about and treats you, instead of empowering yourself.

Signs You’re Being Benched

The first step to prevention is awareness—not just in life but in dating, too. And you can start acting that way by browsing through this list of benching signs to look out for. Noticing more than one of such with the person you’re seeing may hint at what they’re doing to you.

1 They’re unpredictable.

When you guys go out or talk to each other virtually, you can never tell the next time you’ll do that. They don’t really set a date, and if they do, it’s spontaneous, and it’s like you have to work around their schedule. The more uncertainty they give, the more you view them in a questionable about their intentions with you.

2 Being with them feels one-sided.

You feel like you’re the only one putting in the effort and work. When you want to see them, you hit them up and plan things out. Wanna talk to them? You initiate the first move all the freaking time, texting hey or how are you doing? And most of the time, the responses are unenthusiastic. The lack of reciprocation from a bencher can be frustrating.

3 They don’t open up to you.

Many benchers are emotionally unavailable, making it difficult to know their true selves. This is especially challenging when exclusive relationships need emotional intimacy and bonding. Like sure, you’ll know what they choose to talk about to you, like the surface-level information. But the deeper, more vulnerable side of them remains a mystery to you.

4 They’re inconsistent.

Imagine making plans with them beforehand but suddenly deciding to cancel at the last minute because of “unforeseen circumstances.” Honey, there’s a big chance that they have a better date planned than yours. All without considering your feelings and respecting your time. Not only are they inconsistent in making plans with you, but they don’t contact you regularly. Not even doing the small things and only popping up with it’s convenient to them, as if they’re breadcrumbing you.

5 They have limited availability to you.

Quite in line with the previous post! 

Like of course, you don’t expect to be with a prospective partner 24/7. However, when they do make time for you, it may during a certain time frame that’s too tight-knit for you. Yet you’d go with it because this person doesn’t reach out as much as you don’t know the next time they will. 

Aside from this, they may even initiate sudden plans. Someone who engages in benching likes having a full schedule, and if something falls through, they’ll hit you up to fill up that gap. It may even be possible that last-minute plans are their thing with you. That’s the only time they’ll want to be with you.

6 They only come to you during emotional setbacks.

Or in other words, when bad things happen and need someone to comfort and reassure them. That’s your only purpose for them. Then when they’re all in good spirits again, they don’t interact with you as much.

7 They only go to you for sex.

It’s one thing to be a fling or friends with benefits, wherein the sex is casual and holds no emotions. But having casual sex as potential partners is different. It shows that this person isn’t being honest with you and their intentions with you. That sex holds no emotional value unlike in exclusive relationships.

8 They straight up tell you that they’re seeing other people.

Perhaps they won’t use the words “bench”, especially when the term is still rather new. Yet the actions aren’t. There are a lot of people who engage in benching without knowing there’s a term for it.

Instead, they’d say things like “I’m not really looking for a relationship right now”, “I want to keep seeing you these coming months, but I am only on dating apps”, or “Let’s not rush yet.” Be extra wary with these phrases, especially if you’re looking for a serious relationship.

How to Avoid Being Benched

Now that you have a better idea of what benching is, avoid falling into that trap with these actionable tips down below.

1 Be firm in setting and establishing boundaries.

Before getting into any relationship, especially a serious and exclusive one, you need to set boundaries for yourself. Not only would it protect you, but it helps you build a sense of identity, lessen stress, and honors the respect you have for yourself. It also avoids people pleasing and letting anyone take advantage of us.

In the case of benching, boundaries remind you and your self-worth. That you won’t this person string you along their games. 

Some boundaries you can set here can be not going on dates during the late hours of the day and no to last minute cancellations.

2 Set non-negotiables as well.

Non-negotiables are essential when entering into a new relationship. They are the traits that you won’t compromise, aiding you in making better decisions and truly prioritizing what matters most to you. Some examples include loyalty, support, having shared goals, and full commitment and trust in one another. By having your list of non-negotiables, you’ll be able to reject benchers who think they can have control over you. When really, if they can’t give you what you desire, it’s an instant drop from your life.

3 Communicate with one another.

Get full details on what exactly your prospect partners are looking for. The kind of relationship they want, their intentions, and their life goals, to name a few. If it’s not a match, you go on to the next. Don’t try to make exceptions, as that’ll easily make you fall into their trap.

4 Don’t put your life on hold for them.

Life continues to move no matter what, and you shouldn’t be held back by a person who cannot give their 100% commitment to you. If they tell or show you that you’re not their number #1 person, that should be a big indicator to walk away. Putting your life on hold for someone like that is a big waste of time. Be wiser in how you spend your time and efforts. You don’t want to miss out on great experiences and even meeting the right person for you. 

5 Move on to the next.

This step can be interpreted in so many ways. Commonly, to move on to a new prospective partner or a new chapter of life. 

Life doesn’t end when things don’t work out with someone. With the 8 billion people in the world, waiting around for someone to choose you and get out of the bench is impractical. Instead, choose yourself and your self-worth. Choose to take charge of your dating life rather than being attached to someone’s string of options.

Takeaway

Benching is a scary and stressful dating trend that nobody should ever experience. It’s not worth the time, effort, and emotions to be someone’s backup plan. Hence, you need to pay more attention to the person you’re seeing and how they act around you. In addition, you must establish firm boundaries and non-negotiables so a prospective partner doesn’t take advantage of you. You deserve to be in a relationship full of trust and respect, not to string along someone’s roster and let them toy around you.

For more dating and relationship-related guides such as this one, check out the Lauvblog over here for more content!