Relationship Burnout: 5 Key Signs & What to Do About It

The term “burnout” is often associated with work but can happen in any area of life, including relationships. Relationship burnout can be just as overwhelming and, in some cases, is the main reason for a couple to break up.

For those dealing with constant stress and conflict in a relationship, it’s natural to wonder when it’s worth staying or when it’s best to walk away. It can be hard to make that call, especially when emotions are running high, but taking a step back to reflect on the situation can help clarify what’s best for your well-being and the relationship. Here’s a brief guide on what entails relationship burnout and how to deal with it.

What is Relationship Burnout?

The Cambridge Dictionary defines burnout as “extreme tiredness or mental or physical illness caused by working too hard or trying to do too much.”

But Dr. Alok Kanojia, a Harvard-trained psychiatrist known as Dr. K from Healthy Gamer, offered a more nuanced take. In one of his YouTube videos, he described burnout as stemming from “excessive effort for minimal benefit.”

Relationship burnout happens when you feel physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted from giving too much, especially when you feel the other person isn’t reciprocating equally. This often happens after the honeymoon phase or when the initial excitement of the relationship starts to fade. As the new relationship energy wears off, you may perceive the relationship in a different light and see if there’s an imbalance in effort.

Signs of Relationship Burnout

So, how can you tell if you’re experiencing relationship burnout? Here are some common signs to look out for.

1You feel disconnected from your partner.

The first sign is a sense of disconnection. Back then, you were excited to share everything with your partner and loved being physically close to them. It felt like your day would only be complete with them by your side.

However, as burnout sets in, you may be less interested in seeing or reaching out to your partner. You don’t try to invite your partner to hang out; if you do hang out with them, you’re more interested in IG stories than your partner’s stories.

This disconnection can lead to a lack of intimacy as you stop making time for romance and affection. The dead bedroom phase sets in, deepening the disconnect between you and your partner.

2You focus more on the negatives than the positives.

Another sign of relationship burnout is when you start underestimating the positive things your partner does for you and instead fixate on the one thing they did wrong. Here’s a sample scenario:

Gio often hosted weekend movie nights with his girlfriend. He’s always paying for everything and cleaning up afterward because his girlfriend critiques the state of his place if it’s not tidy enough. While Gio was okay with doing it all initially, he now feels frustrated about managing these date nights, paying for food, and missing out on weekend gaming sessions with his friends, who are mostly online at night.

When Gio tries to negotiate with his girlfriend about needing some time for himself, she guilt-trips him, accusing him of bringing another woman to his apartment. Feeling pressured, he apologizes, and the movie nights continue as usual. However, when she has plans with her friends, she has no problem canceling their date nights without hesitation.

After nine months, Gio finds himself deep in relationship burnout. This particular night, even though his girlfriend surprises him with his favorite cake and gives him a loving back massage, the resentment has taken root, overshadowing her efforts.

As she munches on popcorn while picking a movie, he can’t help but feel irritated by the sound. When she shares a fun fact about an actor just five minutes into the film, his annoyance boils over at what he perceives as her incessant yapper. Rather than enjoying the moment, he’s consumed by frustration, feeling as though she’s robbing him of his time and space.

Although it’s unhealthy for Gio to fixate on the negatives about his girlfriend, this mindset stems from his burnout caused by a lack of personal time. He likely still loves her, but her constant presence has become draining. Without the opportunity to spend time with his buddies or engage in other activities, he feels isolated and overwhelmed.

3Arguments are either constant or non-existent.

When one partner doesn’t reciprocate equally in the relationship, and the other becomes burned out from overextending, two things can happen:

The first is constant fights. The partner who invests more effort will start to feel frustrated with the other’s lack of reciprocity, prompting confrontations about the imbalance in the relationship. Meanwhile, the other partner may feel unappreciated for what they contribute. This can escalate into minor and major arguments, with both partners engaged in a battle over who is right and wrong.

The second scenario represents the opposite spectrum, where no fights exist. Here, the burned-out partner has realized that things will never change despite their reminders for the other person to make an effort. As a result, they begin to feel increasingly detached.

Eventually, this partner decides to leave, catching the other partner by surprise. This scenario is often referred to as the Walkaway Wife Syndrome, defined by divorce.com as “a series of behaviors commonly exhibited by unhappy wives who are no longer motivated to maintain a relationship with their spouse.”

4You catch yourself fantasizing about breaking up.

It’s normal to have occasional daydreams about dating your favorite celebrity or fantasizing about being single and carefree. However, if your daily thoughts are dominated by “what-ifs” and constant daydreams of leaving your partner and being with someone else, it could be a sign that you’re feeling overwhelmed in the relationship and might yearn for a fresh start.

A healthy relationship shouldn’t have you constantly contemplating a breakup. You should feel excited about the future milestones you’ll share together. This then leads us to the final sign…

5There’s no excitement about the future together.

When you carry the load in the relationship to the point of burnout, you might become disinterested in the future with your partner. Even if they’re excitedly discussing engagement, weddings, and kids, you can’t help but think about how much work you’ll put into those new milestones, leaving you hesitant instead of thrilled.

Causes

Not all couples face the same issues that lead to relationship burnout, but certain patterns often contribute to this situation. Here are some common causes:

1Complacency

At the start of a relationship, couples often present their best selves, driven by the desire to impress their partner and fueled by the passionate energy that comes with the newfound love.

As time passes, routines set in, causing one or both partners to neglect each other’s needs. They may assume that their commitment means they no longer need to put in effort, leading to complacency.

But little did people know that complacency is considered a relationship killer.

To give you further perspective, think of a relationship as a flower: your partner is responsible for watering it, while your job is to place it in sunlight at the right times. You consistently ensure it gets sunlight, but your partner barely waters the plant. Despite your efforts to keep it healthy, the lack of water means the flower isn’t thriving. Eventually, you grow tired of the one-sided effort and stop placing it in the sunlight, leading to its decline.

This scenario illustrates a relationship where the emotionally burned-out partner is the only one trying to make things work. Juggling a career, family concerns, personal projects, and internal struggles while carrying the emotional or financial weight of the relationship is incredibly taxing. It’s no surprise that this partner experiences burnout, and if they decide to leave, it’s understandable given the lack of effort from the other side.

2People-Pleasing Tendencies

Another possible cause of relationship burnout is when you have people-pleasing tendencies. Often stemming from low self-esteem and childhood experiences, people-pleasers believe they’re only lovable when they can provide for their partner. They may overextend themselves to the point of neglecting their needs to keep the other person happy.

If you consider yourself as a people-pleaser, doing everything in the relationship for your partner’s approval is unsustainable. Not only you’re setting yourself for burnout, but your partner might also feel pressured to match the immense effort you’re putting in. And since people-pleasers often avoid conflict, your partner might not even recognize your struggles because you never communicated your true feelings.

3External Circumstances

In some cases, relationship burnout isn’t caused by a partner but rather by external factors surrounding the relationship. For example, if a couple moves to a completely new place, they may face added stress from packing, navigating a new city, and dealing with the challenges of their new environment. This stress can take a toll on their relationship, leading to burnout that manifests in various ways.

Despite both parties trying their best, the cumulative stress from these added pressures can diminish their motivation to nurture their bond. Sometimes, couples might even contemplate ending the relationship to escape the stressors.

How to Deal With Relationship Burnout

Dealing with relationship burnout varies from couple to couple, but there are two main steps you can take right now to help navigate the issue.

The first step is to communicate with your partner. Be open and vulnerable about your feelings, especially if you’ve been carrying most of the emotional, physical, or emotional workload.

Instead of saying, “You did this…” try focusing on your own feelings by using “I” statements, such as, “I feel exhausted because…” This keeps the conversation constructive and less confrontational.

The second step is to redirect the generosity you’ve been giving to your partner toward yourself. This doesn’t mean you need to break up; it simply means giving yourself time to indulge in self-care and focus on your needs. Spoil yourself because you deserve it!

We also recommend seeking help from a therapist to explore why you might overextend for your partner. Therapists can help you uncover the root causes of your people-pleasing habits and guide you toward a healthier relationship mindset.

Investing in yourself gives you a better headspace in the relationship. As quoted from this blog post from The Gottman Institute: “If you can’t keep it together, your relationship can’t either.”

What If Your Partner is Burning Out?

If you notice signs of relationship burnout in your partner, there are ways you can help. Start by asking them how they feel and what you can do to ease their stress. You can also try recalling things they’ve mentioned, like favors or concerns.

For example, if your partner has been asking for help cleaning certain areas of the house, grab some cleaning supplies and take care of those tasks. Or, if you haven’t planned a date in a while and your partner seems overwhelmed from doing all the work at home, step in to help, then surprise them with dinner at a new restaurant. Take the lead by making the decision so they don’t have to.

Remember to express appreciation for what your partner has done or sacrificed in the relationship. For instance, if your spouse has been carrying the family financially while you’ve been out of work, let them know how grateful you are for their support. Acknowledge their efforts and reassure them that you’re doing your best to get back on your feet and contribute to the household finances.

All your partner needs is to see you take action and give reassurance.

Takeaway

Relationship burnout can lead to breakups, but just because you’re experiencing it doesn’t mean the end of your relationship is inevitable. As long as you and your partner are willing to put in the effort, there’s a chance to rekindle that passionate spark.

However, it’s crucial to emphasize “you and your partner” because if your partner isn’t willing to work, even your best efforts to take some me-time will likely result in burnout again. So, communicate openly, establish what needs to be done for a balanced dynamic, and ensure that both of you are committed to putting in the effort.