A Mini Crash Course on Desire Discrepancy

Experiencing a misalignment of sexual desires with your boo? You may be facing desire discrepancy.

Learn more about this relationship and sex-related issue through this short guide and how to handle it when encountered in a relationship down below.

What is Desire Discrepancy?

Psychology Today defines Desire Discrepancy as a situation or series of situations “when a couple has a mismatch over sex, leading to conflict and dissatisfaction.” Masterclass adds that it’s also known as Sexual Desire Discrepancy (SDD), which is a common sex-related issue between couples.

This common issue can occur in various ways, which include:

1. Wanting more or less sex
2. Feeling rejected when they get sexually declined 
3. One person being more sexually driven than the other
4. Difference in sexual interests
5. Loss of attraction towards one another
6. Feeling ashamed or guilty when your sexual interests differ from others
7. Setting unrealistic expectations

How to Handle Desire Discrepancy

Browse through this section to unlock numerous solutions when dealing with this issue.

1 Normalize that it exists.

For once, everyone’s sexual desires vary per person. It’s unlikely to be impossible to have the exact intensity of sexual desire at the same time. In order terms, desire discrepancy is part of life. And you know what? That’s okay. We’re all diverse human beings after all. Save yourself the stress once you fully accept this truth.

2 Understand that sexual desire is fluid.

Quite in line with the tip above!

Your sexual drive changes as you get older and the longer you two are together. Even as an individual, as you continue going on in life. When you experience a high in your sexual drive, it will eventually subside into a calmer level. You never stay in a permanent state of high and low, and you just roll with it.

3 Check in with one another.

One of the root causes of desire discrepancy is not having good and effective communication with one another. When you don’t express your thoughts with one another, you may end up guessing your needs and even conflict.

Hence, communicating with one another, like having regular check-ins, can drastically improve your relationship dynamics. While it can seem awkward at first, it’ll put you two on the same page. After all, this tip requires a lot of honesty, which can be challenging because you’re letting yourself be vulnerable, hoping you won’t ruin what you and your partner are going through.

But if what you two have is worth pursuing, being honest would only strengthen the bond you have, not halt it.

4 Learn to compromise.

Relationships are all about compromise. Not everyone will have the same views as you, so finding a middle ground can salvage your bond. In terms of sex and desire, being able to agree on certain sexual activities and interests is one way to avoid experiencing immense desire discrepancy.

What’s important here is that both of you feel safe and comfortable throughout the deed.

5 Build your emotional intimacy with one another.

Emotional intimacy is what makes sex more meaningful. It can strengthened through spending more time with one another, talking about your deepest thoughts and such, and being there for them during the good and bad times. 

6 Maximize all means of physical touch.

Sometimes, it can take a light caress to ignite a flame of desire. You can be neutral and chill for a moment, but the right touch from someone can spark strong emotions in you.

It’s also the first step to sex, leading up to the foreplay. Our favorite means of intimate physical touch include kissing, cuddling, hugging, giving each other a massage (e.g., back), brushing their hair, and caressing any external erogenous zone in sight (e.g., thigh).

7 Schedule sex.

Some may not be a fan of this tip, saying sex is something spontaneous and shouldn’t be planned because it ruins the thrill of it. But actually, it gives the complete opposite effect.

Scheduling sex shows how much you prioritize intimacy and intentionality in your special time together. Plus, rather than just waiting for a spark to occur, you’d plan it out already. Being still brings you nowhere, after all.

Plus, your idea of sex is subjective. Maybe on your scheduled sex on Monday, it’s just you two making out while spooning on the couch. Then on Wednesday, you’re going cowgirl on the bed. As for Friday? It’s your wild card of exploring new sexual interests, which we oh so encourage because sex is vast, and there’s just so much to see and do.

8 Seek professional help.

Consulting with a therapist, may it be for your solo or relationship needs, can provide you with personalized advice and guidance through out any underlying issues. It can also improve how you and your partner communicate since it is a crucial factor in resolving any conflict.

Takeaway

Desire discrepancy is quite common between relationships and should be normalized so it doesn’t pressure anyone on anyone. At the same time, we should further emphasize the importance of communication and being patient with one another as we work through it. That way, it can improve your relationship as a whole.

For more relationship and sex-related guides, head on over to the Lauvblog here.