Dear Dr. Sex,
I’m 25 years old and still haven’t experienced my first orgasm. When I’m having sex with my ex, I ask my partner to stop when I’m at the edge of climax.
For some reason, my body becomes hypersensitive, and every touch feels too much. There’s this feeling that I’m out of control with the situation, which scares me a bit. I also feel scared of the mess that I may create after orgasming and the probability that my parents would know me to have sex because of the mess. Not only that, but I grew up in a very strict environment, wherein sex is frowned upon.
How can I deal with this? I also never owned a sex toy. Would getting one help me with this problem? Thank you!
Kind regards,
Cami
Dear Cami,
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m glad that you’re taking time to learn more about your body, and I get that this situation is frustrating to you, but don’t worry, as I’ll try my best to help you out.
Based on your letter, what you’re going through is called anorgasmia or orgasmic dysfunction. This condition is currently affecting 11 to 41 percent of women across the globe.
What is Anorgasmia?
Anorgasmia is a condition wherein a person has difficulty reaching an orgasm. It’s caused by several factors, such as aging, medical conditions like diabetes, medications, stress, relationship issues, etc. But to narrow it down, let’s focus on the anorgasmia causes that fit your situation, as you’ve mentioned some crucial points in your letter.
You mentioned that you’re afraid about the mess you may create after orgasming because your parents may have noticed that you’ve had sex or touched yourself. Aside from stressing out about the mess, you mentioned that you grew up in a conservative and traditional environment, wherein sex is seen as taboo.
This could mean that you’re having difficulty orgasming because of guilt. You have issues of “letting go” and orgasming because you feel like you’re engaging in a “sin.” This hinders you from relaxing and enjoying the sensations during the activity. Also, when you’re doing a sexual act at home, your mind may be in hypervigilance mode. Instead of immersing yourself in the pleasure, you’re busy thinking of what to do if your family knocks on your room.
However, you also mentioned that you feel “too sensitive” and maybe uncomfortable when you’re at the edge of orgasm. This could mean having extremely sensitive erogenous zones, such as your clitoris.
Tips to Overcome Anorgasmia
The good news is that there are ways to overcome your anorgasmia. Based on what you’ve mentioned in your letter, here are some of the things that you could do to overcome this situation:
Change your mindset about sex through educational resources.
The first step of freeing yourself from the sex stigma is to unlearn the misconceptions first. Learn about the social constructs and myths surrounding sex through blogs, vlogs, sex educators’ social media accounts, books, etc. A Netflix show also discusses female pleasure, titled ‘Principles of Pleasure.’
To help you get started, you may want to check the following articles:
- Is Masturbation A Sin? Here Are 5 Religious Views On Self-Pleasure
- Is Virginity A Social Construct? Here’s What You Need To Know
- What is Mindful Masturbation? (Explore Your Sensual Self!)
- Syntribation: How Squeezing Your Thighs Can Lead to Blissful Orgasms
- 10 Best Guided Masturbation Apps to Spice Up Your Solo Plays
- What is Sexual Repression & How to Overcome This Condition
- 13 Enriching Lessons from Netflix’s ‘The Principles of Pleasure’
Engage in more self-pleasure and find out the masturbation techniques that work for you.
Masturbating may be your key to having the big O. This is because you can explore your body, finding which areas to touch and how strong the stimulation is. This prevents you from experiencing those “too sensitive” moments and gives you more control over your pleasure.
Once you’ve figured out how your body works and what kind of stimulation works best for you, you can relay this information to your current/future partner.
Listen to audio erotica.
Sometimes, immersing yourself in fantasy could be the key to “letting go.” I recommend listening to some audio erotica while touching yourself. As you drive your imagination wild, the negative thoughts and guilt surrounding sex may be minimized. However, keep in mind that this is a temporary fix only and doesn’t resolve the core problem of your situation.
Use sex toys such as air pulse toys or mini vibrators.
As you’ve mentioned in the email, you’ve never owned a sex toy. Maybe this is the perfect time to get one for yourself. Try out a mini vibrator or air-pulse toy. Many testimonies online say how these sex toys have helped them discover orgasms. Both toys usually come with discreet designs, so there is no need to worry about your parents finding out that you own a pleasure toy. Don’t also forget to grab a bottle of water-based lubricant; it minimizes friction between the sex toy and your genitals, ensuring comfort throughout the deed.
Have sex in a private location, away from your home.
With being afraid of the mess, you may want to take a staycation somewhere else and engage in sexual acts. Maybe being at home is why you’re having a hard time orgasming, as you’re always in hypervigilance mode.
Talk to a medical professional or sex therapist.
Suppose you’ve done the steps above but still experience difficulty in orgasming. In that case, we recommend talking to a sex therapist or gynecologist. There may be physical or mental health conditions that need to be addressed with therapy, medication, or even surgery.
We hope that these tips will help you overcome this condition and experience these well-deserved Os. Take care!
Best regards,
Dr. Sex
