12 Dangerous Signs That You’re in a Controlling Relationship

Nobody wants to be in a controlling relationship. Yet most of the time (unfortunately), we enter one without even knowing that the person you’re with is controlling. They may have put up a facade to get you to like them, only showing their real colors once your bond deepened. Psych Control even compared this kind of relationship to stepping on lukewarm water, wherein it slowly starts to heat up.

In this guide, we’ll discuss just how detrimental a controlling relationship can be and the key signs to look out for. From there, we’ll list down some important action steps to combat it and keep you safe if you fall victim to such a relationship.

Negative Effects of Being in a Controlling Relationship

Uncover just how a controlling relationship can affect your overall well-being through this section.

1 It makes you insecure.

A controlling relationship meant being a victim to your partner’s antics, most especially their backhanded comments and criticism. As a result, it lowers your self-esteem and harmfully affects your self-image.

2 You feel unsafe.

Being in a controlling relationship means that your partner always has their eyes on you. You’re always on their radar, as if fully aware of your every breath and move. Chances are that they are. You also can’t stay away from them because they’ll always find a way to get into your bubble.

Knowing that they are always watching you increases your discomfort wherever you go.

3 You feel alone.

When you’re in a controlling relationship, your controlling partner will try to isolate you from everyone and everything you love. They only want your attention to be on them, nothing else. Hence, you feel like you’re on your own in trying to leave them.

Signs of a Controlling Relationship

We briefly mentioned some of them in the previous section, but this time, we’ll expound more on it here. Stay aware and cautious of the potential signs indicating that you’re in a controlling relationship.

1 Trespassing Your Personal Privacy and Space

A controlling partner doesn’t consider your need for alone time. They want you to be available whenever they ask you to, or any free time you have is an opportunity to get close to you. With the latter, it isn’t always the case.

Everyone needs alone time, regardless of their relationship status. It’s a way to reconnect with yourself, recharge your social batteries, and strengthen your bonds and interactions with others.

Another way this sign of a controlling relationship can be seen is by breaking into your phone. Yup, they check your texts and recent ones when you’re not looking. And in a more drastic route, they can try to hack all your accounts to see what kind of activity is going on.

2 Acting Like the Victim

They don’t like to take accountability for their wrongdoings. They always find a way to pin the blame on you, even if the situation would’ve never happened if not for them.

3 Constant Projection of Criticism on You

From big ways to small ways, a controlling partner always has something to say about you. 

They can target your body, whether you have a thick or thin body part in a degrading way. They may even comment that you should lose or gain more weight. Targeting your personality traits may occur too, wherein they “joke” that you’re too loud or awkward to their friends in a social gathering.

4 Mastered the Art of Gaslighting

A controlling relationship involves a lot of deceit and trickery. When you try to call out your partner about something bad, they try to fool you into thinking that you’re in the wrong. And a lot of the time, we end up apologizing as their words have a way of messing up how we view and think of a situation.

If they do that to you, they’re gaslighting you, which is a controlling partner’s way to get the upper hand. They may even try to downgrade your emotions about a certain situation, making you even feel worse about yourself. For example, you lashed out when they made a public comment about your dress “looking like a deflated balloon on your body.” 

In turn, you responded, “Well, I like this dress, and it makes me feel good,” in a cool yet collected and powerful tone. Your way to re-establish confidence. But your controlling partner will attempt to take your good spirits away by responding, “Sheesh baby, you’re so killjoy. I was just kidding.” 

5 Isolating You From Others

This sign can be subtle or evident, maybe even something gradual. They can start by ignoring any stories about your loved ones and focusing on a story about them. Then they can build it up by giving you a dramatic reaction, like a scoff or an eye-roll when you make a plan or answer a call from them. 

Another way a controlling partner can try to isolate you is by sharing what they don’t like about your loved one, adding that you shouldn’t see them anymore. They can even try to manipulate you with their words about those loved ones, so you will be urged to cut them off.

The agenda here is that they want you to focus on them and only the. In turn, you fully get rid of your support system who were in the picture before them.

6 Conditional Love and Care

You’re never good enough unless you tick off their conditions. As a result, you’re always changing who you are to fit into their mold. They’re controlling you to be what they are looking for.

7 Making Decisions For You

It’s like they have the final say on what you can and cannot do. Almost like they’re your boss whose approval matters at work. It’s no longer about them being attentive and supportive of you but rather pressuring you to match their standards of an ideal partner. Doing so gets rid of your authenticity and personal identity.

One example is dictating how you dress. They’ll only want you to wear certain outfits when you’re out with them, like a dress code catering to their interests. And to think that clothing is one avenue of personal expression.

Another example is making plans without your consent or considering your schedule, wherein you need to adjust to them. 

There may even be instances wherein they want to be involved in your plans to get them to say yes. Imagine showing up for a girl’s night out with your girflriends but they’re there? That’s another way for them to disrespect your space and also your friends’ time.

8 Dishonor and Disrespect On Your Boundaries

A controlling partner doesn’t care about how you feel, only focusing on what they want. Even if you set boundaries for the relationship, they don’t consider them and end up crossing them. For example, you tell them that you want to have an evening off to yourself after a busy day at work. Next thing you know, they’re by your door, still eager to hang out with you.

Saying no to them is also a low blow for them, even angering them and finding ways to guilt-trip you. In line with the previous example, they can go, “Well, it’s not my fault I did that much work today,” or “You should’ve managed your time better at work.”

9 Overactive Jealousy and Accusations

Sure, some jealousy in a relationship can arguably be viewed as sweet as it’s someone’s way to show they care. But extreme jealousy is a different situation.

This sign is especially seen when interacting with another person or people wholesomely. WebMD adds that a controlling partner would accuse you of being flirtatious or even cheating on them due to possible past relationship traumas. Another excuse they’ll use to defend their behavior is that your interaction with someone suggests that you’re “leading them on for something more.” Like imagine just asking someone if they need water, then automatically it’ll be perceived like that? Not cool, bro.

It doesn’t matter if the person is your best friend or any loved one. If a controlling partner sees you get too close to anyone who isn’t them, they get angry and accuse you.

10 Treating You Like The Villain

They always find something bad in everything that you do before you can even spot if there was any. You’ll then find yourself constantly apologizing to them.

11 One-Sided Conversations

Communication is what keeps a relationship strong and healthy. But if it’s mostly one person talking and not giving the other person a chance, that can indicate a controlling relationship. They’re verbally overpowering you, not giving you much of a voice. You may not even remember they asked you for your opinion on something.

Those one-sided conversations are their way of establishing control, wherein only their opinion is on you. Simultaneously, you may also even feel like you’re walking on eggshells when you do speak up. That’s because you’re afraid of saying the wrong words or things to them. From there, the conversation can lead to an argument in which you’ll want to relent because it’s exhausting, and they won’t give it up.

12 Getting Easily Upset Over Minor Inconveniences

Accidentally missed their call because you had a meeting? They’ll throw a major fit at you about it, masking it as concern or worry over your whereabouts. It may even get to the point where they visit you at work (red alert) to “check up on you” and only argue with you. If not this, they’ll send such aggravating texts, and you’ll have to try and calm them down.

Aside from this example, they may get frustrated and annoyed if you accidentally forget something small in your car. Even if you can go back and claim it, they’ll put full blame on you.

Mistakes are not tolerated in a controlling relationship.

Setting Better Boundaries in a Controlling Relationship

A healthy relationship exists when there’s an equal exchange of power between both partners. Thus, you shouldn’t compromise your being and voice in a relationship.

One way to avoid overpowering in a relationship is by setting better and stronger boundaries. Not to push them away, but to protect you from potential harm. Their reaction to your boundaries is none of your business.

Take some of these crucial tips into account from Psych Control and us as you establish firmer boundaries:

1. Keep your promises: If your boundaries include “leaving the relationship if they don’t do or that” or “If they don’t do this, I’ll stop talking to them”, you should follow through. Keeping your promises establishes stronger self-trust, not settling for less than what you deserve.
2. Stay close to your support system: Keep in touch with them through small or big actions to foster your bond even more.
3. Change your passcodes on all your social media and virtual accounts: These accounts are private, only to be accessed by you. Don’t give them access to it or try not to leave a trail. 
4. Use “I” statements: Such statements encourage self-expression and honesty, in contrast to “you” statements that may advocate blaming. Plus, it allows you to talk openly about your needs with your partner. For example, “I feel caged when I have no personal space from you.”
5. Negotiate and compromise with one another: This can look like, “I’ll keep my phone away when we have movie nights at my place, but I won’t put it on silent in case someone needs my help.”
6. Seek help together or individually: A mental health professional like a therapist can aid in navigating the challenges within your relationship. By sharing the specifics with them, they can provide you with personal advice that can salvage your relationship. If your partner is open to this suggestion, couples therapy may be beneficial to avoid any more overpowering or controlling behaviors.

Is This Relationship Still Worth Fighting For?

Surely, a controlling relationship can be fixed. However, there can also be cues diverting you to a different path. If you find yourself in this situation, here are some crucial questions to ask yourself regarding the relationship:

1. Do I feel safe with them?
2. Am I being respected?
3. Do I lie about my real feelings to keep them at bay?
4. Are there certain topics or things that we avoid talking about?
5. Do I have a voice in the relationship?
6. Am I always feeling guilty and apologetic around them?
7. Does it feel like I’m walking on eggshells around them?
8. Am I always letting them get away with it?
9. Do they give me space?
10. Am I scared around my partner in certain or most instances?

How to Safely Leave a Controlling Relationship

If your relationship comes to the point wherein you fear for your safety, these tips can guide you in safely exiting it. 

1. Reach out to an immediate close companion: From a friend or family member whom you deem trustworthy, inform them of the situation. That way, they can help you when things get rockier.
2. Urgently contact the necessary authorities: There are local authorities whom you can call if things turn violent, whether at home or when you’re together.
3. Slowly move your things out of your place: Leave no trace that can hint where you’re off to next.
4. Change your number: That way, they can’t contact you. With your new number, give it to one person within your support system at a time.
5. Turn off your location on all devices: This safety tip is especially applicable if they have an app that tracks you.
6. Stay in a safe, private place: May it be the guest room for your friend’s apartment or at a distant relative’s house in the province, move someplace that won’t be easy to track.

Takeaway

A controlling relationship may have varying intensity levels, depending on how persistent the controlling partner can be. Regardless, it can cause significant mental and even physical harm to the victim. Hence, it’s important to have a sharp eye when you start noticing negative signs and traits when you’re around them. From there, you take the necessary steps to fix or leave it.

For more relationship awareness and safety guides such as this one, you can access them through the Lauvblog over here.