Friendship Breakup 101: How To Effectively Heal From Platonic Loss

Just hearing the term friendship breakup is painful. Breaking up with a friend, the person whom you’ve shared numerous laughs and smiles with, relied on during your vulnerable and tough times, and shared your deepest secrets is so daunting. It’s almost like a part of your soul is getting torn apart, and you have no idea how to navigate it.

While romantic breakups have proper steps to follow, nobody can really tell or explain how to break up with a friend. In fact, nobody can really anticipate how to call things off platonically. If you find yourself in such a situation, this guide is for you.

Read along here on the different causes of a friendship breakup and what you can do to end things healthily—not easily, but in a way that’ll provide you with emotional growth as you get older. 

Why are Friendship Breakups More Painful?

If you’re wondering just why friendship breakups sting a lot more compared to romantic ones, keep reading this section to find out more.

1 Trusting others makes you anxious.

You become cautious about opening your heart again, uncomfortable putting yourself out there again after getting hurt. It’s quite like a romantic breakup, but with a friendship breakup, you’ve shown sides of yourselves to them that you’ve never expressed to anyone else. You’ve let your guard down and confided in them because you knew they were on your side, giving you reassurance and authenticity. 

But when that suddenly goes away, it makes you self-conscious and worried about being yourself to other people. There’s also that uncertainty about whether that ex-friend would speak ill of you or share your secrets. Even if that should be the least of your worries, it’s still a daunting thought that can put you on fight or flight mode around other people.

2 The loss is immense.

Picture this: This friend has been someone you’ve spent so much time with, having a whole box of memories together that shaped who you are today. They also serve as your emotional support system through the good and bad. But then one day, they’re no longer a part of your life.

Losing it can really take a toll on you, affecting your day-to-day life and your inner peace as well. During the earlier days since losing them, you’ll find yourself yearning for them. You may look through old pictures and videos of you two while also remembering your inner jokes. Even if change is inevitable, this kind of change is still something you didn’t see coming. 

And to top things off, the breakup can feel like a betrayal that is unforgiving and miserable. The person you trusted the most isn’t there anymore; you can’t lean on them like before.

3 It feels more difficult to approach your other friends.

This reason is especially applicable if you have a shared friend group together. Because of the friendship breakup, the air feels tense and awkward. You may feel burdened at how they may feel the need to pick sides. And it’s more brutal if they go against you.

Types of Friendship Breakup

Get to know more about the different kinds of friendship breakups one may possibly experience throughout their life.

1 Gradual

So the two of you may be starting to drift apart over a long period of time. Yet neither one of you wants to confront it because you may believe you both still believe that you need space for a bit. When really, you’re both afraid of confrontation and getting into a situation that’ll stress you both out. And also, be filled with such heartache and sorrow. Although drifting apart doesn’t automatically equate to a platonic breakup, it may lead that way when you’re feeling misaligned with one another to the point of no return. 

You’ll simply see and feel it coming, but again, neither of you wants to tackle that topic at first.

2 Sudden

This is the type you wouldn’t see coming at all. And most of the time, it occurs when something terrible occurs between you two. For example, a huge fight. It can be about how one friend started becoming judgmental towards anything you do, making you feel terrible. Yet when you bring them up, they say that you’re overreacting and may even add, “That’s my opinion”. 

However, if such confrontation has been a constant pattern that overpowers your friendship as a whole, you can see yourself going “I can’t do this anymore with you.”

Causes of a Friendship Breakup

What are possible ways for a friendship breakup to occur? This section will list down all the likely reasons behind it.

1 Misunderstandings

These things may be common in friendships so that it teaches the two people to be more cautious and mindful. But leaving them unaddressed for too long or misinterpreting them can lead to something worse.

2 Differing Beliefs and Values

Not seeing eye to eye on small things may be okay and harmless. However, it can create an eventual rift in your relationship with the bigger things. For example, you believe that honesty is the best policy. On the other hand, they prefer to lie and hide their pain. These differing ideas don’t create transparency on your ends in the long run.

3 Shift in Circumstances

There are many ways this can occur. For one, your friend may have moved to another country, making the distance and time differences challenging to keep up with. Or two, your shared interests may no longer match, which is crucial as it was also how you both met and formed a friendship.

4 Toxic Attitudes

Such attitudes can include being mean, leaving you out when making plans, feeling jealous of you, and trying to downgrade your achievements. Because of this, you always feel out of place, and your self-esteem and confidence are heavily affected. But that’s exactly where they want you to be because they want to feel superior to you.

5 Unpivotable Mistakes

Everyone makes mistakes, but some mistakes are beyond irreconcilable to repair. One example is finding out your friend is an accomplice to your partner’s cheating. Not only does it violate girl code or bro code, but it’s a deep stab in the back. The joint betrayal is also a lot worse.

Signs That May Pivot To A Friendship Breakup

Browse through this section on the key signs that’ll lead you to the challenging path of a friendship path. It’s scary at first, but very much needed.

• Your friend doesn’t spare time to spend with you.
• They always talk about themselves.
• They manipulate you.
• They bring out the worst in you.
• You don’t align with their choices.
• They gaslight you.

How to Cope and Grieve Post-Friendship Breakup

Once you’ve officially ended things with that ex-friend, it’s undoubtedly gonna leave a void in your life for a bit. Especially if you’ve been friends for a really long time, life will feel weird and downhearted as you re-navigate the flow of your life. 

1 Accept and understand that it’s okay to lose a friendship.

This is a tip that’ll take quite some time as you experience a friendship breakup. It’s quite a universal truth that certain people in your life are really meant in a specific part of your life. Then when it’s been fulfilled, they make their exit. That’s one way to view the situation that allows you to move on quicker and better.

Another way to view the situation is that nothing in this world is permanent. Things come and go, and that’s part of life—people included. Not only that, everyone has had their fair share of losing great friendships, yet they still continue living. They even reap its benefits in the future. So don’t be hard on yourself and stay resilient and patient. 

At the same time, you can still remain thankful for the good memories you’ve both shared.

2 Assess within yourself why it had to end.

This tip is where growth occurs. As you finally step away from your former friend, give yourself some time and space to dig into why things ended. It can be because they were a toxic person, or maybe the two of you were equally toxic to each other. Find those signs, then use them as learning tools that’ll teach you how to improve your future relationships and how to take care of yourself better. 

But mind you, this tip shouldn’t happen for too long, or else you’ll end up ruminating. You may get so involved in what could’ve been and the what-ifs that you’ll lose touch with reality.

3 Don’t stoop down to their level.

It’s so easy to be petty and bitter as you go through a friendship breakup. One way to express that would be by exposing them and their actions online, backing it up with receipts through pictures, videos, or screenshots. Another way to act in such a way is to show off online how well you’re doing without them. Sometimes it can be discreet or not. Regardless, these actions are sparked from your newly developed ill feelings that were once love and care for them. 

However, don’t let yourself be blinded in hatred as it will hurt you more than it will hurt them. Don’t give them the time and day; instead, use it to work on yourself. To heal and be better.

4 Avoid dwelling on the past for too long.

As mentioned before, pondering on the past for too long leads to rumination. That can paralyze you into a state of regret, guilt, and worsened sorrow. You may even find yourself bargaining that you should’ve done this or that. However, acting that way won’t solve anything; what’s done is done. Don’t let the past dictate the future.

5 Let go of any grudges.

It’s easier said than done, but holding grudges does more harm than good. They may feel like the best walls to put up when you’re around them so you don’t hurt yourself again. However, they take away your peace of mind and keep you stuck in the past. They can also halt you from opening yourself up to anyone.

6 Set better boundaries.

A friendship breakup, especially from a toxic friend, may mean that you let them take advantage of you. But never again! Boundaries keep you protected and safe, pulling you away from harmful and pressuring situations. So instead of resenting yourself, let this friendship breakup be a general lesson about the importance of boundaries. 

Some examples of boundaries include:

• Respecting me time
• Considering one’s budget for a hangout
• Not messaging during work hours
• Texting first before calling to avoid causing unnecessary anxiety
• No type of physical hurt!
• Being mindful of the words you use to describe each other

7 Go on a social media break.

Social media may just add more distress to your system if you’re going through hard times, like a friendship breakup. You may even use it to avoid your feelings, but that’ll just worsen everything.

Thus, take this time to lessen your screen time by being more present and aware. Delete certain apps that you linger around for too long, schedule your phone usage, and make use of app limits. 

While doing this, replace social media with offline activities that ground you, like journaling, yoga, and walking. 

8 Don’t isolate yourself.

Stepping away for a bit during the start of a friendship breakup feels natural and easy so you can breathe and get some needed space. In that sense, it’s similar to a romantic breakup. However, it can be harmful if you isolate for too long.

During that time, negative emotions like loneliness, sadness, and even anger will pile up on you. They may even drive you to engage in unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as vices. So, more than ever, don’t pull yourself away from your close companions when you’re experiencing such a breakup. Confide in them even more and create a strong connection with them too. Because chances are they’re supportive and want to help you take steps to get better. 

9 Seek professional help.

The grief from a friendship breakup is unique from other kinds of breakups. Forbes calls it “disenfranchised grief,” those feelings of loss and sorrow that “cannot be openly acknowledged, socially mourned or publicly supported.” That’s because losing a friend isn’t the same as losing someone in your family or who’s blood-related to you.

Such grief may be a struggle to fully express and heal even with your personal support system from loved ones. So it’s advisable to seek professional help, preferably from a therapist. They can help you navigate your rollercoaster of emotions and get you back on track with their personalized advice and treatment.

10 Engage in new hobbies.

When you go through a friendship breakup, the first thing you’ll want to do is distract yourself. And when you do, make sure it’s something beneficial for you. Thus, hobbies are a way to go! You can do it solo or join a new group of people who enjoy such hobbies. For example, you want to try pilates. So you’d look for a studio near you. 

If you’re going solo, it’s a great way to realign with yourself and become more mindful. And along the way, you’ll meet other regulars in the studio and join their community. 

11 Make new friends when you’re ready.

Experiencing a friendship breakup is a huge indicator that you’ve outgrown someone. And that’s okay! Well, the breakup aspect may be tough, but outgrowing people is part of life. It’s not the end of the world, and it may just indicate that it’s time to let new people into your life. No man is an island, and we are social beings after all. 

And perhaps these new people may bless you with more quality memories than before. They may just fill in that empty void and grant you new wisdom as you go through life.

12 Take your time.

The grief from a friendship breakup is valid and real. There’s no fixed timeline for it, and no given date and time for being 100% okay. You’ll have days where you’re okay, and then you’ll have days that have you down in the dumps as you remember them. Don’t haste or push away your feelings. Easier said than done, but take things day by day. 

Allow yourself to fully and honestly grieve for what was once a beautiful friendship. 

Takeaway

Nothing can really prepare you for a friendship breakup. It’s a nightmare to even get to that point, just as much as experiencing a toxic friendship is. However, these kinds of breakups can bring in a sense of peace you need in your life. It can also help you grow as a person as you heal through the process. Surround yourself with trusted loved ones during this time and invest in self-care to mend your soul.