Not every healthy relationship requires sex, but most of them do. If you belong to the latter, sexual intimacy is something you and your partner should work on together. It’s as important as physical, intellectual, spiritual, and other forms of intimacy.
If you’re a bit confused about what sexual intimacy entails, we will guide you on the basics and give you tips when cultivating a deep sexual connection with your significant other.
What is Sexual Intimacy?
Sexual intimacy isn’t defined by the number of orgasms you’re getting together or how kinky your sexual plays are— these are the results when you have achieved sexual intimacy with someone.
Sexual intimacy is a form of connection— an inexplicable and profound bond with someone. Building this connection requires three main components:
- Natural Chemistry
- Complete vulnerability
- Constant communication
Sexual chemistry is what draws you both into each other’s lives; vulnerability helps you completely understand one another, and constant communication is needed to ensure you’re always on the same page. When you achieve these three things, sexual intimacy will eventually build up through time.
Why Does It Matter?
A common misconception about sexual intimacy is that you just need to have sex to achieve it. After all, the terms “sex” and “intimacy” are often interchangeable in various resources.
The thing is, not every couple who engages in sex is sexually connected. For instance, if you regularly visit relationship-focused forums and social media groups, you might have read a post or two about someone complaining about how unsatisfying their sex life is or someone getting frustrated because of the dead bedroom in their marriage.
Of course, there are external factors that could’ve caused these sexual issues, such as major life changes or health issues, but most of these problems stem from the lack of sexual intimacy. These people relied on the initial sexual chemistry; they never bothered to communicate what they wanted in bed, talk about their sexual concerns, and ask their partner about what they desired. So, when the honeymoon phase was over, sexual issues started showing up. And when these problems aren’t resolved, it’ll eventually affect the whole relationship.
That’s why cultivating a sexual connection matters. When you truly know each other in the bedroom, you’ll be able to fully satisfy one another. Sex becomes more intimate than performative.
Tips When Building Sexual Intimacy
Sexual intimacy doesn’t happen overnight. Like with other significant aspects of a relationship, building that kind of connection takes time and effort. Here are some tips as you go through this challenging yet fulfilling process.
1Be patient.
As mentioned above, achieving sexual intimacy cannot happen overnight. It requires years of exploring one another. That’s why if you feel awkward or there are some minor mishaps on the first few times you’ve had sex with your partner, remember that both of you are still figuring things out. Simply enjoy the process.
However, if you feel like you’re being exploited or your pleasure is being disregarded, this may be a sign that the relationship is bad for you. You don’t have to endure months of bad sex for the sake of building sexual intimacy. You and your partner should naturally please and spoil each other, especially when you’re still basking in new relationship energy. So, if your partner isn’t making an effort in the bedroom, communicate these concerns or tap out as soon as possible.
2Communicate constantly and openly.
It’s normal to feel hesitant to share your sexual desires, boundaries, and other concerns in the bedroom. Not only is it incredibly personal, but sex is being perceived as sinful in our conservative society, resulting in people repressing their desires and thoughts.
However, these difficult conversations are needed to achieve sexual intimacy. By being open and transparent with your partner, you’re helping them give you the pleasure you deserve.
Now, you don’t have to share everything at once. You can start with your favorite sex positions, then talk about fantasies during a cuddle session, and then you can talk about trying out sex toys on another week. This gradual approach not only makes it easier to speak up but also prevents your partner from getting overwhelmed. There are also relationship worksheets or workbooks that could serve as a guide for these intimate conversations. In fact, there’s a free workbook at the bottom of this article, so make sure to check that out.
3Be in touch with yourself.
Sometimes, people have difficulty sharing their sexual desires and concerns because they actually don’t know what they want in the bedroom. Their environment made it difficult to explore their bodies, and they probably were presented with messages showing how sinful sex is.
If you resonate with this, consider exploring your body through masturbation. Do it at the pace you’re comfortable with— it takes time to unlearn the stigma surrounding sex, so it’s normal to feel ashamed about it. But as time goes on, you’ll soon learn about pleasure, which you can then share with your partner in the future.
4Try new things together.
Another way to cultivate sexual intimacy is by trying new things together in and out of the bedroom. Try out different positions, sexual activities, and kinks that you’re both interested in. Not only will you get to experience different kinds of pleasure, but it will also help you learn more about your partner and foster that deep connection.
Aside from sexual activities, try out some date ideas that you’ve never explored before, such as museum dates, hiking, or painting workshop dates. Seeing your partner in a different environment can certainly spice things up.
5Consult a sex therapist.
There are times when open conversations about sex are not enough, especially if one or both of you are dealing with mental health issues. Maybe one of you is sexually repressed or has gone through sexual trauma, hindering your progress to foster that deep connection. That said, reach out to a mental health professional, specifically a sex therapist, to help you navigate these issues.
Now, don’t expect you or your partner to be just miraculously okay after one or two sessions. Be patient with one another, and you’ll soon make progress in creating sexual intimacy.
Signs That You’re Sexually Connected With Your Partner
Now, some of you might be wondering if you’ve cultivated sexual intimacy in your relationship or if you still need to keep on working on it. Here are some of the signs to check out.
1You know each other’s turn-ons.
A gentle massage on the thigh, whispering dirty lines, light kisses on the neck— sexually connected couples know each other’s turn-ons. They understand that building anticipation is the key to a satisfying experience.
2You’re comfortable telling your desires and establishing your boundaries.
Couples who are sexually connected are comfortable talking about the things they want during sex. Whether they’ve discovered a fantasy or kink that they want to try out or when they want a gentler thrust during sex, they can easily express themselves. They can also establish boundaries, such as saying no to sex if they’re not in the mood, without worrying about their partner’s reaction. They’re simply in tune with each other.
3There’s mutual satisfaction in the bedroom.
When two people are intimately connected, it’s easier to please each other. You know the specific techniques that they like, the erogenous zones that make them squirm, the sex toys they love playing the most, and the positions that hit them the hardest. People who also have an intimate connection with someone naturally love giving their partner those body-shaking sensations— the pleasure is never one sided.
Not Sexually Connected?
After reading the signs above, some of you might be pleased while others are scratching their heads, realizing their relationship hasn’t reached that level of sexual intimacy yet. If you’re one of those people, just chill for a sec. Your relationship isn’t doomed; you don’t have to break up with your partner immediately.
As long as you’re both willing to put in the effort, you’ll always have the opportunity to build a deep sexual connection. Communicate your concerns with your significant other, and go from there. Now, a good and mature partner will understand and try to work on this hurdle, but if your partner starts acting weird or childish, you might need to reassess the relationship overall.
You also need to spend some time reflecting about yourself. Maybe the reason why you’re not as sexually connected with your partner is because you don’t get vulnerable with them, or you don’t even try to communicate what you want in bed, leaving them to second guess and assume. That way, you can easily work through the issues and eventually learn to sexually connect with your S.O.
Check Our FREE Intimacy Worksheet!
Want a deeper connection with your beau? Wondering about your partner’s unconventional desires? Wanna spice up your sexual routine? This worksheet is here to help! Discover each other’s sexual fantasies, preferred sex positions, favorite sex toys, and sexual activities that you want to explore. You can easily download the worksheet here. Don’t worry; it’s completely free!
