What is a Sleep Divorce? (And No, It Doesn’t Involve The Law)

Have you ever heard of sleep divorce? 

Now don’t be fooled — no paperwork or lawyers are needed here. But an open-minded couple and mutual agreement do play a crucial role when making this big step. Because when your sleeping habits feel negatively compromised through a shared bed, it may create more problems and tension within the relationship. After all, the amount of sleep and its quality affects everything we do, our emotions, and our cognitive skills.

As a result, sleeping separately from one another is the best decision for their relationship. You’ll still be able to see them the following morning and all throughout the day, but once the moon and stars are out, you’ll retire individually.

If you’re still eager to learn more about this concept, keep reading this guide below. We’ll also delve into its pros and cons and offer some tips on establishing one successfully.

What Is a Sleep Divorce?

According to the Sleep Foundation, a sleep divorce involves “romantic partners sleeping in different rooms rather than sharing a bed at night.”

A sleep divorce can also occur when romantic partners sleep in the same room but with two different beds. Hence, the couple that’s new to this concept has more options to choose from, whichever feels more ideal and comfortable. 

A sleep divorce can occur in the long run or at certain periods or seasons. For example, 1 or 2 days out of the week are dedicated to sleeping in different spaces while the rest are together. It can be a 50/50 arrangement too. But in case that’s not enough, having it set as the norm is okay too. A sleep divorce can be flexible if you choose to.

Reasons Why People Have a Sleep Divorce

Check out this short yet concise list of potential reasons to have a sleep divorce.

1. Avoid sleep disruptions: The last thing you want to experience when getting into the flow of sleep is a mood-break interruption. Examples include snoring, varying bedroom rituals, and annoying unconscious movement while sleeping.
2. Develop better sleep quality and sleeping habits
3. Miss the freedom of personal space
4. Prevalence of sleeping disorders
5. They aren’t romantically together: This reason is especially common within arranged marriages. With no one’s eyes on them, they can live in the same home individually and civilly. It also makes them feel more comfortable and at ease with one another.

History of Separate Sleeping Arrangements

National Geographic highlights how bedroom arrangements between couples have changed over the years. During medieval times, twin beds or separate ones in separate rooms are a luxury for the medieval upper class. Meanwhile, the lower class stuck to having one bed as long it was near a heat source. Again, another bed was a luxury.

During the Victorian era, staying in the same room between nobility and royalty became common. But separation occurred again as it’s more hygienic, avoiding illnesses.

As the 1920s rolled by, twin beds were once more seen as a sign of wealth. But by the ’50s, twin beds between a romantic couple became stigmatized and seen as a “failed marriage/union” because the idea of the master bedroom became more prevalent.

This then leads us today, wherein sleeping separately as a romantic couple isn’t ideal or common because, again, it makes you wonder if the couple is okay and happy. But who are we to judge if it’s out of mutual preference? Culture and religion may also play a role in how we view sleeping arrangements, wherein many associate a romantic or married to sleep in one bed.

Pros of a Sleep Divorce

Browse through the various advantages of having a sleep divorce in the section below. It may benefit in ways you didn’t expect.

1 You sleep better.

Quite the top answer here. 

You’ll have more peaceful sleep without disruptions from your partner as you have your own space and room. Even more so if you have a special evening routine that may get cut off out of respect for your partner. For example, you like scented candles because they make you relax and unwind better at night. However, your partner doesn’t because they’re sensitive to scents. Thus, you refrain from using them in your bedroom but elsewhere out of respect. And without any ill feelings too.

However, with a sleep divorce, you can have all the scented candles you want and light them to your content. 

2 You have more space to move.

This pro on sleep divorce is a big deal for those sharing a small bed with their partner. When you have your own bed and space, there’smore wiggle room to toss and turn around in. You wouldn’t have to worry about unconsciously pushing your partner off the bed or kicking them. You wwon’thave to be concerned about their snoring (if applicable) or tugging on the duvet towards your side more.

3 You’re less likely to fight or argue with them.

When your sleeping habits improve due to a sleep divorce, your mood is happier and more energetic. You can think better as well, becoming more capable of making more concise decisions and communicating more effectively regarding your needs and the like. As a result, you can approach your partner about anything that’s on your mind openly and calmly.

4 You have your own space.

If you’ve had your own bedroom before sharing a room with your romantic partner, this pro works in your favor the most. Having a sleep divorce means being able to reconnect with yourself and work on your mental health since you’ve been staying in a shared room. Having your own space can give you back some needed solitude and clarity of mind.

At the same time, you reconnect with your interests, bringing them out from your storage and placing them near your bed. Perhaps you’re a fan of adult coloring books and find relaxation in doing one page before going to bed. Or you can listen to podcasts to help you get sleepy. Whatever those interests are, you can freely indulge them without worrying about disturbing your partner.

5 You develop a better relationship.

A couple who has a sleep divorce may have a stronger relationship than those sleeping together. Perhaps their routines weren’t in sync (e.g., one tends to move a lot while the other keeps adjusting), unconsciously clashing, which creates tension the following day. The whole “I couldn’t sleep because of you” argument may occur due to lack of sleep and/or not having great sleep quality. 

However, once a sleep divorce is set, when concerns like this are brought up, the said couple may be less hostile and harsh around one another. A sleep divorce honors their boundaries and needs related to sleep and unwinding at night. 

Plus, having a good sleep impacts your mood, as mentioned earlier. So when they have their moments of being together and bonding, they feel more connected and intimate with one another. None of those mood swings from lack of sleep may come up too.

Cons of a Sleep Divorce

Let’s unravel the possible disadvantages a couple may experience during a sleep divorce through this honest section.

1 It may decrease intimacy.

Sleeping together in the same bed releases oxytocin due to the physical touch, especially when cuddling and kissing are involved. Hence, having a sleep divorce may feel odd and even empty for some people. There’s also something about being close to one another and having privacy after a long day, which helps you bond more. Especially those late-night conversations that you may not have even when you have designated bonding time before bed.

And also, under intimacy, your sex life may also be affected. Without that physical touch and pillow talk, your desire for one another may decrease. It may even feel like you’re just companions living under the same roof.

2 It may add more tension to the relationship.

For a sleep divorce to work, it’s important to constantly communicate your needs and concerns to one another. Whether it be changing the routine or wanting a bit more time with one another before going to bed, you must address whatever worries may arise during this time. If not, the set-up may not benefit you as much and even contribute to bad sleep quality. 

3 People may automatically think something’s wrong.

Blame history and society for instilling this kind of mindset. 

In this day and age, it’s usually assumed that long-term couples living together stay in the same room. For intimacy and all that. Thus, all sorts of negative opinions may form if they discover a couple, a very close one, stays in separate beds. Are they really okay? Is their entire relationship just a facade? Why don’t they stay in the same bed like others do?

Those kinds of questions may erupt as well, way into someone’s business rather than their own. Meanwhile, the affected couple may feel ostracized when their intentions of sleeping separately or having a sleep divorce differ. At the end of the day, the common belief is that a happy, strong couple should stay in the same room, in the same bed.

4 It’s a financial constraint.

One bedroom may already be expensive to build and furnish in this economy, so what more with another room? Sure, some couples can have guest rooms in their homes, making the process a lot easier. Yet for those who don’t, it can be challenging to have money to create and decorate a second room for a sleep divorce. Even more so if there’s limited space.

5 Security can be compromised.

A lot of people enjoy the warmth of their partner in bed, whether they’re cuddling or nearby. Just feeling them gives them that feeling of security and safety. However, when they’re apart due to a sleep divorce, thoughts of doubt and insecurity may creep in. 

Did I do something wrong in the relationship? 

Why do you not want to be near me?

Am I a bad person?

Thus, we advocate the importance of communication when making a major routine change such as this one. Yet sometimes, those thoughts can seep when we least expect them. They can even feel embarrassed or bad about themselves since this type of sleeping arrangement is stigmatized.

How to Successfully Set a Sleep Divorce

When you remain open to the idea of a sleep divorce with your partner, here’s a list of tips on properly establishing one. That way, it’ll be mutual and honor the boundaries of both partners in the relationship.

1 Know your why.

Before getting your partner involved, knowing your reasons why a sleep divorce is beneficial provides you with better direction and focus. It’ll also enhance your clarity when making important decisions. For example, you want a sleep divorce because you want less movement in bed. Your partner tends to move a lot unconsciously, which disrupts your sleeping flow. 

With that in mind, you make more purposeful actions as you work towards having a sleep divorce.

2 Discuss your concerns with them.

A rather tense and anxiety-inducing topic such as this can change the mood drastically. So start with talking to them at a time when you’re both not busy or consumed by stressful work. Timing is key here.

When you have them in private, remember your why and phrase it properly. Today emphasizes that instead of using “you” and “i”, use “we.” For example, “We haven’t been in sync lately because we have completely different sleeping styles and routines.”

Don’t beat around the bush. Be honest with them if you’re not satisfied with sleeping together. But again, phrase it lightly and politely. Once the mood between you is serene, slowly suggest the idea. When there’s a concern, there must be a solution to back it up.

An example would be: “I’m wondering if you’d be open to sleeping separately from me. I care about you and our relationship. In turn, I also value the quality of sleep we’re getting. So I believe this solution may work in both our favor.”

3 Be patient.

Bringing up a suggestion or change about a sleep divorce may be overwhelming for your partner. Especially when it’s not so common or “expected” to sleep apart when you’re in a long-term relationship, they might even feel hurt and offended. Whatever emotions arise, be patient with them as they make a decision. Give them time to fully process their emotions and eventually think about where they stand in their relationship. Whatever answer they give you, respect it as well. In the case they give a yes, you can take the next steps below.

4 Do a trial run.

When you’re trying something new, going for one sleep divorce trial run s ideal. Think of it like an experiment, wherein you and your partner are observing how things go. You can jot down what emotions come up, changes that presented itself, and even the summary about the quality of your sleep from sleeping alone. 

A trial run also holds no pressure and no need to make big decisions right away. But if things turn out successfully during this time, you can start making more long-term arrangements.

5 Debrief with each other afterwards.

Post-trial run, you and your partner talk about your experiences. If it’s mostly positive, especially when both of you had better sleep quality, you can further discuss doing more of it. Hence, establishing a sleep divorce. We may have mentioned some things to consider, but we’ll restate them and add more here:

1. Reasons for doing it
2. How long do we do it for (e.g., week, month, as long as we want)
3. Change of space (add another bed or make another space)
4. Is there an extra space to use?
5. How else can we be intimate outside the bedroom

6 Plan out sessions of intimacy with one another.

Whether it be sex, cuddling, watching a movie, going on a date, etc., it’s important to have bonding time before retiring to bed. Since you’re already not physically together going to sleep, you must schedule and truly cherish your time with each other to avoid any doubt and insecurities. It also encourages honesty from time to time, especially if you find yourself wanting more bonding before heading to bed.

7 Constantly show gratitude and appreciation for them.

Establishing a sleep divorce can feel heavy and overwhelming at first, so don’t forget to express gratitude to them and vice versa. For example, “Thank you for considering this solution, it shows that you value our relationship.”

With appreciation, it can sound like, “I’m really happy that we can talk about our concerns freely and find common ground peacefully.”

Takeaway

There’s no correct answer to whether or not a couple should have a sleep divorce. Despite the common misconceptions surrounding it, it has a good set of advantages and disadvantages that are worth considering. For sure, the word “divorce” within the concept suggests something drastic and stressful. When really, it refers to the separation of a couple in terms of sleeping.

With that in mind, we hope you prioritize your sleep alongside your relationship. And if you realize that sleep divorce is needed, we hope this guide can be of huge help to you.

For more culture or relationship-related blogs like this one, you can check us out on the Lauvblog here!