Soft BDSM: Things to Try If You’re a Beginner to the Kink

Are you one of those BDSM beginners and look for a guide? You’re finally going to try and explore the world of this infamous kink. You’re finally ready to admit that giving up control or dominating someone turns you on. You’ve thought about it a lot. And maybe you already did your own research and stumbled upon this soft BDSM article because you’re not really sure where to start, because, well, you’re a noob!

Before we get into further details, first of all, I want to assure you that there’s nothing wrong with you. I know there’s a bit of a “dark, psycho aura” around BDSM. It’s considered to be a deviant activity by other people. But you know that’s not true. You’re fine. You’re just a bit kinkier than the others. So what? BDSM is just kinky sex play. You just want to roughen things up and get played with or toy on someone with consent. There’s nothing wrong with that!

So for those of you who are intrigued and dying to try this kink, here’s a preliminary guide of things to try in soft BDSM for beginners like you.

Soft BDSM: Beginners Guide

1 Try hair pulling

It’s very easy and light. It doesn’t require any sex toys. You can be as gentle as you want. Like playing with a furry friend. Or you can be extreme and pull out all of his hair. It really depends on you. It’s your choice.

2Spank that booty

Go on! Spank that sexy ass! But since you guys are just beginners in BDSM, the guide here is that you really don’t have to go all out and be all fraternity-hazing level with the paddle and all. Start with something light and sexy. Just use your hands first.  Start out with gentle smacks then when you feel like you’re ready, increase force to increase the sensation. Just warm that booty up first before getting too extreme. Then when you’re ready to go up to the next level, maybe consider buying toys like a paddle to get wilder.

3Roughen up your language.

BDSM is fun because you get to call your partner cunt or slut or any dirty word you come up with. Be as dirty and violent as you want to be. However, you should know that the names that you use should be agreed upon before you do the act. Don’t call someone a name they don’t like or you’ll get slapped for real and ruin the sexy mood you have going.

4Use soft fabrics for bondage.

If you want to experience getting tied but looking for ways that suits beginners on BDSM, maybe ropes or handcuffs might be too rough. So start with soft fabrics like a scarf or a neck tie. Make sure that two fingers can be slipped between the tie and the skin in order to avoid cutting off circulation of blood. This can definitely not only roughen you up but also get you suffocated and killed. You want to be kinky, not a corpse.

5Light Bondage.

If you liked getting tied too much, maybe it’s time to move to the next level and get bed restraints. If just the idea of giving up full control of your whole body gets you wet with excitement then this is the one for you.

You don’t have to be hanging from the ceiling by your ankles  or chained to a wall just so you can say you’re participating in bondage. If you and your partner are just beginners on BDSM, you also don’t need a lot of fancy, expensive equipment to guide you either. Just be resourceful and creative. Use a rolled up pillow case or a tie. If you have the budget then maybe you can buy the decent restraints from your love toy store.

Just don’t forget that even light bondage or Soft BDSM abides by the same rules as of normal bondage. Always have a safe word just in case you or your partner become uncomfortable with what’s going on. Never try acts that you didn’t consult first with your partner prior to the act. Everything must be pre-negotiated. It’s part of the trust you gave to each other.

6 Try calling each other with the power play names.

Since you and your partner are beginners in BDSM, try starting with “Sir” or “Madam” as a guide in addition to the aggressive language. Some people like “master” and “slave”, it depends on what you agree on but it’s good to incorporate names as this adds to the whole fantasy.

7Bite, bite, bite.

Biting is also a good technique to start with. It’s both sexy and fun. As with all the other acts, however, you still have to ask for permission before doing it. Maybe your partner doesn’t like getting bitten so ask them first!

8 Don’t forget the role play.

Role playing is part of the whole experience of soft BDSM. Tie both of your arms behind your back while performing oral sex. Just the thought of it is very hot. Try role playing with “getting forced” or “begging for a punishment”. BDSM is all about power play so ensure that there’s a dom, the one doing all the commands and a sub, the one getting dominated on.

9Play with the senses.

One of the best toys for those who are beginners on BDSM is a blindfold. When you have a blindfold, the other sensations are heightened. So just a mere brush of a feather could send goosebumps and a chill at the back of their spines. Tease them to the edge of orgasm. The idea is to allow the non-blindfolded person to have control of everything that’s happening and for the blindfolded person to surrender control to them.

10Flogging.

Another guide for beginners like you in soft BDSM is to try flogging. Floggers look scary but the pain it provides isn’t as intense as it looks that’s why it’s good for beginners. It just adds to the whole aura of kinky play and can heighten your enjoyment of it. This activity can still be quite intimidating to those taking a step into BDSM. So for starters, choose a flogger made of a soft material like rabbit fur for comfort. Then when you feel like you’re ready to “darken it up” a bit, then buy a flogger made of leather from your love toy store.

11Play with your pain levels.

This activity refers to anything that squeezes or pinches. You’re the dirty laundry that needs to be cleaned. So you can try playing with clothespins as these can be adjusted and removed quickly. Many new kinksters start with these on sensitive bits. Grab a pair of household clothespins and experiment with placing them on your sensitive parts. They’re a good way of practicing your “pain thresholds”. Try putting them on your nipples, stomach and inner thigh. Get to know if you or your partner could sustain having them on. This will add to the whole pain play.

12Play with fire and wax.

Candle wax is another way to start soft BDSM up. It seems painful but it’s really not that intense. The pain is tolerable and it is an exciting way to explore pain. Just do your research beforehand as there are different kinds of candles and others melt hotter than others. You don’t want that as these may cause burns or bruises afterwards. Stay safe when playing with fire, kiddos.

13Ice, ice, baby.

If you don’t want to play with fire then maybe you can play with ice. Ice can be the cheapest and easiest sex toy you can make yourself in your own home. Go get an ice cube tray and play with it with your partner. The cooling sensation of ice can both arouse a sense of pain, but also pleasure. Since you’re just a beginner in BDSM, at first, the sudden sensation of ice can be a little uncomfortable as it triggers goosebumps all over you. But if you play with it really well, you can get pretty easily addicted to the rush it gives.

You can also take things a little further and use it in oral sex. You don’t have to commit to the idea though. If you tried and it proves that it isn’t working for you then the worst thing that it can do is melt.

Frequently Asked Questions

Got more inquiries about BDSM for beginners? Don’t worry, we gotchu. Below are some of the frequently asked questions about kinky plays.

1What does BDSM stand for?

Before you start exploring your kinky side, it’s better that you know what the term “BDSM” actually means.

BDSM is an acronym of different sexual activities that fall under the same category. Also, each letter stands for multiple things.

B is for Bondage. If you want to engage in BDSM, expect that there will be bondage, which is the act of tying someone or being tied up. Submissives are usually the ones that are tied up whilst the dominants are the ones tying up their subs, having full control over which parts should they tie-up. They can tie some blindfolds around their sub’s eyes or put some handcuffs and ankle cuffs on them. Since you’re just starting with BDSM, you should try with neckties or scarves first, then go for intenser ties and handcuffs later on.

D stands for two things:

First, it means Discipline. When engaging in BDSM, expect that the dominant will discipline the submissive. It usually involves reward and punishment. If the submissive is doing good and following the dominant’s orders, he/she will be rewarded with something pleasurable. On the other hand, if a sub is becoming too naughty and not following the dom’s commands, well… you can expect some intense slaps.

Another word for D is Dominance. Dominance plays a huge part in BDSM since the dominant is the one taking in control.

Next, S means Submissive. Again, this also plays a huge part since the sub is the one being disciplined. If there’s no sub, then the dom wouldn’t exist, and vice versa.

S also means Sado-masochism (Yes the M stands for masochism). This term means that you derive pleasure from either giving or receiving “uncontrollable” pain.

2My partner and I are both Beginners on BDSM, What kind of things do I need to practice it?

Most beginners on BDSM assume that you need to have a lot of sex and BDSM toys before starting out. Floggers, clamps, handcuffs– everything should be under your disposal before getting it on.

Wait– what is that? You don’t have the budget for it yet? Okay buddy, listen…

You don’t need to go ala Christian Grey and create a whole playroom. When engaging with soft BDSM, you can use everyday items such as neckties, scarves, belts or even ice! You don’t have to necessarily spend on anything.

Once you and your partner are used to soft BDSM and aware of the things that you like, you can amp it up by trying out BDSM sex toys. Go for the beginner-friendly items first.

3What’s the difference between “kink” and “fetish”?

In the enchanting world of BDSM, you’ve probably heard these two terms before. You’ve probably thought they hold the same meaning since people mix up these terms all the time.

Plot twist: These words have entirely different meanings.

A “kink” is a sexual term that’s meant for sexual concepts that unambiguously expressive. It encompasses a bunch of sexual interests outside of the normal “vanilla” sex. With kinks, you don’t necessarily have to do these kinky activities just to get off. Kinks are just alternative ways to spice up the bedroom. Examples of this are BDSM, roleplaying, outdoor sex, impact play.

On the other hand, the sexual term “fetish” is an object or situation that triggers sexual arousal. Most of these items are not even supposed to be arousing, such as shoes, feet, or leather. People having certain fetishes have to get specific objects just to feel pleasure and climax.

4How do I figure out which status role I’m best suited for?

It’s trial and error, baby. To know if you’re a dominant, submissive, or a switch (both dom and sub), you have to engage yourself in various BDSM practices. It may take time to figure out what you want, but that’s alright especially if both of you and your partner are beginners on BDSM. You’re still both figuring out your preferred roles. No need to rush yourself just so you can get a label.

5How can I make my partner engage in BDSM?

You simply need to ask first. If they ‘re not familiar with BDSM, you can provide them with the necessary information first. Give them books. Share some videos and blogs (like this one!) Be patient on asking their questions about it.

Now, if your partner isn’t interested in it, no need to force it. BDSM should be done with proper consent on both parties.

6What are soft and hard limits?

According to the unofficial rulebook of BDSM: “Thou shall discuss the limits. ”

Now for those not familiar with the terms, limits are the things the sub or dom wouldn’t do when engaging in a BDSM activity.

Soft limits are the things that you don’t want to do right now, but there’s a possibility that you would engage in it someday.

On the other hand, hard limits are the things you will never do during a soft BDSM play. No compromises. No discussions. You simply will never do it. Periodt.

Before engaging in this kink, make sure you’ve discussed the limits with your partner first. This avoids any conflict in the future. And besides, you don’t want to argue in the middle of the play, right?

7What are ‘safewords’?

Sometimes, dominants may start getting carried away. They get so carried away that they don’t realize the unwanted pain their subs are getting.

So to avoid any mishaps during the session, safewords should be established. Safewords are used by the sub/dom to take a break from the play if the activity or pain is too much for them to handle. 

Communication is the key when engaging in BDSM activities, so establishing a safeword is a must. Go for random words that are not used in a sexual context, such as goat, mellow, or flintstones. You can also go for signal cues such as ‘red’ to stop.

8Do I have to have sex with someone to play with them?

Most couples that are into BDSM have done vanilla stuff with their partner. It’s a great way to deepen their sexual rapport with each other.

But if you found yourself engaging soft BDSM stuff with a friend, or you’re just not into sex, then go ahead! As long as you’ve communicated properly with your bondage playmate, this wouldn’t be a huge issue.

9What if normal sex is boring forever after I try this stuff and I don’t want to have sex anymore?

Take a chill pill, sweetie. When you’re trying out something new, especially under the sexual realm, we tend to fully submerse ourselves to the activity, so much that we think we will never live the same way again without doing it.

But here’s the truth about new things and experiences: they get old. We will find ourselves either checking out new stuff or try out the things we haven’t done in a while.

Vanilla sex might feel boring once you start engaging in the frisky bondage activities, but one day, you’ll find yourself craving again for simple missionary sex.

Some final reminders!

As with all sexual encounters, don’t ever forget about consent. It should always be your number one priority. As much as BDSM is about power play, if your partner is uncomfortable, do not use force. No means no. When engaging in any kind of kink, it’s always best practice to use a safe word. The safe word assures that no matter what you’re doing, when it gets too intense or too uncomfortable, you have an instant stop button. When you or your partner don’t like what’s happening anymore then it has to stop. Immediately. “Red” is commonly known within the BDSM community as a stop word, however you can use whatever word works for you. It should be easy to remember.

You should also always remember how to play it safe all the time. As much as kink is all about fun, it should also be about you not contracting any unwanted diseases. So indulge yourselves in kinky play but don’t forget to protect yourselves. But most importantly, now that you have this beginner’s guide to soft BDSM, don’t forget to ENJOY!