Disclaimer: The rough sex discussed in this article refers to consensual activities between experienced adults. We do not promote or condone sexual assault in any form. Please note that this article is not a substitute for professional guidance from a therapist or other related experts; all studies referenced are linked for further reading and reference.
Let’s talk about rough sex—an activity that often sparks controversy due to its more aggressive nature. While some people view it as a questionable act, many others see it as an exciting way to explore pleasure and tap into that wild, primal side of themselves.
But what exactly does rough sex involve, and how can you make sure that everyone stays comfortable while still embracing its intense energy? This guide will cover the basics and help you navigate it safely.
What is Rough Sex?
Rough sex—also known as hardcore sex, kinky sex, and forceful sex—involves activities that are fueled with intense passion or aggression, like hair-pulling, choking, slapping, spanking, spitting, and other related moves. Pain is often present in these activities, though people engaging in rough sex actually derive pleasure from it.
The most important thing to understand about rough sex is that clear and enthusiastic consent from all parties is non-negotiable, especially given its intense nature.
If consent is absent, it’s not rough sex—it’s sexual assault.
Let us emphasize this again: if there is no informed and enthusiastic consent from all parties, the activity is sexual assault. Anyone who experiences assault disguised as “just rough sex” should report it to the authorities.
Please also note that consent is retractable. If any participant says the safeword (a predetermined term used to immediately stop the activity), the activity must cease without question.
Why Do People Enjoy Rough Sex?
Whenever someone writes to an advice column confessing their interest in rough sex, like this one, a particular question often comes up:
“Is there something wrong with me?”
If you’re into rough sex but feel hesitant to explore it because of this thought, we get it—and your feelings are valid. In a conservative country like the Philippines, where even conventional sex carries its own stigma, it can feel even more daunting to open up about interests that stray from traditional notions of intimacy.
Here’s the thing—enjoying rougher play in the bedroom doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. In fact, many people enjoy it, as highlighted by various studies.
For example, a 2021 study surveyed 4,998 undergraduate students (with 1795 individuals being in a romantic/sexual relationship of at least 3 months) from a Midwestern university to explore the prevalence, perceptions, and predictors of rough sex. The study found that about 80% of students in long-term romantic or sexual relationships reported engaging in rough sex. Activities like choking, spanking, and hair-pulling are commonly practiced.
However, examining your motives or intentions behind wanting it can help determine if it’s purely for fun or if there’s a deeper, potentially concerning issue driving the desire.
Most people like it for the thrill of role reversals, such as when a typically dominant partner lets the other take charge in the bedroom. Couples who enjoy roleplaying might also explore rougher activities in a specific scenario they’re acting out. There are also people who enjoy rougher plays in the bedroom without any deep meaning or intent—they’re simply turned on by it.
Meanwhile, if someone enjoys rough sex because they find pleasure in degrading certain genders or use it as a way to mentally cope and do it without genuine enjoyment, it could indicate underlying issues. In these cases, it’s best to talk to a therapist to address these feelings and prevent them from escalating into more concerning experiences.
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Activities Involved
Want to try rough sex but unsure where to begin? It all depends on you and your partner’s preferences, as what one couple considers mild might be too intense for another. But to give you some guidance, here are some activities commonly explored in this practice:
1Quick & Deep Thrusting
Rough sex is often associated with vigorous movements, so we recommend starting your exploration through quick and deep thrusting. Just ensure you or your partner is fully lubricated before doing it.
You can also try positions that naturally allow for deeper penetration, like doggy style, where the angle can lead to more powerful thrusts. Not only does this position have that primal feel, but it also allows you to do other acts like spanking and hair-pulling.
2Hair Pulling
Another popular move during rough sex is hair pulling, and it tends to work really well when the dominant partner is thrusting from behind. That’s why doggy style and its variations are often a go-to, as the position makes it easier to pull on the hair.
Aside from being turned on by having someone dominating them, individuals who enjoy being on the receiving end of hair pulling also love the sensation of their scalp being stimulated. The scalp is packed with nerve endings, so the feeling of hair being pulled can be pleasurable.
To pull hair safely during rough sex, start by getting into the right position—doggy style is a popular choice for this activity. Once you’re in place, gently grab a handful of hair from the base of the scalp and give it a steady tug. It’s important not to pull on the hair too far from the end, as that can cause whiplash or dizziness, and it may even lead to actual hair being pulled out, which can break the immersion.
That said, this is just a general guideline for hair-pulling. Some people might enjoy a more intense tug or prefer having their hair pulled from the ends. The best way to know what your partner likes is to ask about their preferences. And if they’re new to hair pulling, experimenting with different techniques can help find the right balance of intensity and pleasure.
3Choking
Another popular activity during rough sex is choking. There’s even a meme floating around called Choke Me Daddy, highlighting how common this move has become in pop culture. But even though choking is often joked about, it’s important to take it seriously during a rough sex session. Breath play is an intricate kink that can have fatal consequences if not done correctly.
If you’re considering incorporating choking into your play, it’s essential to do thorough research and approach it cautiously, ensuring everyone understands the risks and is comfortable with the activity.
Knowing your partner’s preferences regarding how they like to be choked is also crucial. Some people prefer the pressure to be applied to the sides of their neck using five fingers, while others enjoy the palm of their partner adding pressure to the center.
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4Biting and Pinching
Another great starting point for rough sex is mild biting and pinching. These activities are simple and less uncomfortable than more intense actions.
The level of intensity will depend on how hard the biting or pinching is, but if you’ve never tried it before, it’s best to start with gentle nibbles or light pinches. From there, you can gradually increase the intensity as you and your partner become more comfortable and communicate what feels good.
5Impact Play
Spanking, slapping, whipping— all these rough moves are under the category of impact play. It’s defined as a kink or sexual activity where the dominant strikes impact the submissive’s body, either with their hand or BDSM tools like whips and paddles.
For those who’ve never tried it before, we recommend starting with light spanking on the buttocks, especially when doing doggy style or other similar positions where there’s easy access to the butt. You can gradually increase the intensity as you and your partner get more comfortable with the sensation. You can even incorporate sex toys, like paddles or floggers, for more variety—check out our high-quality selection right here.
Another important note when doing impact play is to always aim for safe zones, such as the buttocks and thighs. While you can also strike the back part of the legs and breasts, these are considered “low-risk zones,” so you’ll need to be extra cautious when playing in those areas to avoid injury.
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6Dirty Talk
In some couples, rough sex also includes psychological elements that make the experience even more intense. For example, some people get turned on when they’re called names or hear their partner’s profanities. It’s not about disrespect but more about seeing their partner shift from the usual tenderness to something more dominating and raw. For others, they enjoy it due to having a degradation or humiliation kink.
7Restraint Play
Some people enjoy incorporating bondage or restraint play into their rough sex sessions, where one partner gets tied up or restrains the other. The appeal often lies in the loss of control—the submissive partner, with their wrists and ankles tied up, is at the mercy of the dominant partner.
Start slow and safe with gentler restraints, like velcro cuffs or soft ties, especially if you’re new to the scene. Gradually, as you become more comfortable and experienced, you can explore stronger restraints or more elaborate bondage techniques.
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8Edging or Forced Orgasms
Another practice often seen in rougher play is orgasm control, where the dominant partner either stops or ruins their partner’s orgasm or makes them orgasm repeatedly to the point of exhaustion. One way to do this is through edging, where the dominant partner stimulates their submissive’s hottest spots, bringing them close to orgasm, then stops just before they climax. After letting their partner calm down, the stimulation starts again, intensifying the build-up.
On the other hand, forced orgasms involve the dominant partner continuing to stimulate their submissive’s body even after they’ve orgasmed multiple times, pushing them to the brink of exhaustion.
However, this is typically more common for females, as their refractory period (the time it takes to recover and be ready for another orgasm) tends to be shorter than that of males. For male individuals, forced orgasms generally involve a more intense version of edging.
9Angry Sex
If you’re interested in exploring rough sex but aren’t ready for impact play, restraints, or other physical discomfort, you might want to try angry sex. It’s a type of sexual activity that’s similar to regular sex but with a more intense, charged energy. The idea behind angry sex is that you and your partner act as if you’re both frustrated or annoyed, but instead of talking it out, you channel those emotions into more vigorous, raw interactions.
Expect faster, more forceful thrusting, as well as less focus on tenderness like kissing or gentle caresses. It’s about being more primal and intense, almost like you’re letting off steam together, but without the need for any physical pain or discomfort.
Remember, while the energy might be heated, the most important thing is that you both remain on the same page about what feels good and what doesn’t.
10Consensual Non-Consensual (CNC)
Another activity that often comes up in rough sex is Consensual Non-Consensual (CNC), where the dominant partner acts as if they’re forcing themselves on the submissive, even though the submissive expresses resistance, such as saying no or crying.
It’s important to note that while the submissive may act as though they don’t want to engage, this is all pre-arranged and consensual beforehand. Both partners must give clear and enthusiastic consent before starting, and there must be a safeword—a term not related to the scene—that signals to stop immediately if any discomfort or genuine unwillingness occurs.
CNC should never be done on a whim. All parties involved must give consent and plan it out. Not only that, but CNC isn’t recommended for beginners. If you’re new to rough sex, it’s better to start with less intense activities, such as spanking, hair-pulling, or roleplay, and work your way up as you get more comfortable with the dynamics of power play and communication.
Tips
After learning what this sexual practice entails, here are some tips to ensure your rough play remains safe and enjoyable:
1Consent is vital.
We’ve already discussed this in the definition section, but it’s worth reiterating that consent is a must.
In a sexual context, consent means that all parties involved are aware of and have agreed upon the activities being performed. You should also note that consent is retractable, meaning that if something feels off during the activity, anyone can use the safeword and stop the session immediately.
Here are some other important pointers when it comes to consent:
- In the Philippines, the person must be over the age of 16 years old to give consent, but for this kind of activity, all participants should be experienced adults. Reaching the age of consent does not mean someone is ready for or should engage in rough sex; it requires emotional maturity, understanding, and communication that typically comes with age and experience.
- A person cannot give consent if they are unconscious or under the influence of substances, as these factors can impair judgment and the ability to make informed decisions.
- Consent must also be given freely—no one should feel coerced into agreeing to any activity.
2Plan ahead.
As mentioned earlier, rough sex isn’t something you should jump into without a bit of preparation. It’s best to plan ahead, especially if you’re incorporating more complex activities like restraint play, forced orgasms, or power dynamics. This prep also allows you to decide which activities are on the table and which are best left out.
3Set the mood.
Setting the right atmosphere is essential for any intimate experience, and rough sex is no different. The vibe you create will depend on you and your partner—so choose a theme that sets the tone for the experience you’re aiming for. Some might prefer the softness of scented candles and dim lighting, while others may lean toward leather and mood lighting to emphasize the rougher side of things. Whatever your style, make sure the environment complements the intensity of the play.
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4Take it slow.
Rough sex is often associated with fast, intense movements, but it’s important to take your time and build intensity gradually. Don’t rush into more intense acts like Consensual Non-Consensual (CNC) or choking. Start slow, get comfortable, and check in with your partner as you go—whether through subtle non-verbal cues or verbal check-ins.
5If you’re the dom, be committed to the role.
As the dominant partner, confidence is crucial. You need to exude control and remain deeply connected to your partner’s needs and boundaries. Your energy will set the tone, and your partner will pick up on it. If you’re hesitant or uncertain, it can disrupt the flow of the experience.
Meanwhile, when you’re fully committed and assertive in your role, it creates a thrilling dynamic. It can even make you hella sexier in the eyes of the submissive partner.
6Get inspo from sensuous films and other erotic content.
While movies like Fifty Shades of Grey, 9 ½ Weeks, or Secretary may take a controversial approach to BDSM, they can still serve as useful inspiration for building your scene. These films can give you ideas for different dynamics, roles, and activities.
After watching, talk with your partner about what you found intriguing or arousing, and explore how you can incorporate those ideas into your own experience.
7Get yourself some high-quality sex toys.
Having the right sex toys can make or break the experience. Poor-quality restraints or impact play toys can break or cause accidents, potentially ruining the mood. Always choose well-made, body-safe toys from reputable brands to ensure safety and pleasure. Investing in quality items not only enhances the experience but also minimizes risk.
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8Yes to aftercare!
Aftercare is a vital part of any rough sex play. The intensity of the session can sometimes leave you or your partner in a heightened emotional state, making it hard to transition back to normal.
It can include physical touch, cuddling, checking in with your partner, and offering comforting words. Sometimes, leaving the play space (like the bedroom) for a change of scene—such as a quick trip to a café or relaxing together—can help both partners ground themselves and reconnect emotionally.
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Takeaway
Rough sex, in simple terms, involves incorporating unconventional and more intense activities into your sexual experience. And just like any other sexual activity, it requires consent, preparation, ongoing check-ins during the act, and aftercare to ensure that everyone feels comfortable and satisfied by the end of the session.