What is a Sexual Dry Spell? (Don’t Worry, You’ll Survive)

Sex is a great thing. Sex is an important part of every relationship, it’s physical intimacy, an expression of love, a way to feel closer to your partner. But there are times that life gets in the way of sex. Whether it be kids, school, career, housework, health, finances, and other obligations, sometimes making time for canoodling with your boo just can’t be a priority. You can find yourself in a sexual dry spell.

What is a Sexual Dry Spell?

A sexual dry spell is when you go through an extended period of time without sex or sexual activity – including masturbation. People can take a break from sex for a multitude of reasons, sometimes abstinence is even voluntary. Reasons can range from wanting to focus on less physical aspects of the relationship, just recently coming from a breakup to wanting to know their partner better before sleeping with them, or they just want to take a break from sex for their health. All these reasons are valid.

Sexual dry spells can last anywhere from a few months to years. While a sexual rut is not always a bad thing, it can get frustrating for both you and your partner. Add to that the fear-mongering of what can happen to your body if you don’t have sex, it can become very concerning for couples. So here are some things to know about sexual dry spells.

What Can Happen When You Go Through A Sexual Dry Spell

While you shouldn’t believe all the old myths about what sexual dry spells can do to your body, your body and mind do go through a few changes.

1You might not be getting enough exercise.

While we make jokes about sex being a great (and possibly only) source of cardiovascular activity, there may be more truth to that than you think. Studies have shown that the frequency of sexual relations a heart attack survivor had affected their chances of dying. The more sex, the higher the chances of survival. This is because of the aerobic exercise that sex gives you. A dry spell doesn’t mean that the chances of cardiac arrest increase though. Just make sure you’re getting that heart pumping in other ways, too.

2Your creativity may take a hit.

Orgasms are a mix of a bunch of happy chemicals that can make you feel creative and motivated. Missing out on those delicious O’s can stunt that. Not to worry though, because this isn’t a long-term effect. As long as you get reacquainted with petite mort, you’ll get those creative juices running in no time.

3Your self-esteem can drop.

Sex can be a big self-confidence booster, the lack of sex can make you feel a little less than. Even though you may know that logically the dry spell has nothing to do with you and your desirability, that doesn’t mean it won’t get to you. Find ways to get that mojo back and you’ll be A-okay!

4You’re more vulnerable to disease.

Sex makes your brain happy, and keeps your immune system in tip-top shape! It strengthens your body so it’s more capable of fighting off those nasty viruses. When you stop having sex, you can catch a cold or the flu just a little bit easier.

5Your sexual responses change.

The sexual dry spell may have been your body’s way of telling you that what turns you on has changed. Adjust accordingly. Take this opportunity to explore your body and your kinks, discover the new things that get turn you on and get you off. Your sexual desires may have changed, and that’s normal for everybody.

Possible Causes of a Sexual Dry Spell

It’s very rare that a sexual dry spell will sneak up on you out of the blue, more often than not it’s something that slowly settles into your relationship. These are a few common causes of sexual dry spells.

1Stress.

Stress is a big factor in sexual activity. Stress takes up so much time and energy, it makes it feel like you don’t have room for anything else – even sex. A busy lifestyle may lessen the opportunity for sex, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t any opportunity. Make an effort to carve time out for sexual pleasure no matter how busy life may get. You won’t regret it.

2Kids.

Look, kids cause stress, too, but that’s not the only reason they might be causing your dry spell. Women who have children under the age of 5 are too preoccupied with childcare to think about sex, and new mothers worry about their desirability.

Parents will naturally experience a decrease in sex. Lack of sleep, scheduling, and even lack of privacy can all be pinpointed as reasons that sex becomes a little bit more difficult.

3Medication.

The state of your health can affect your libido, and so can your medication. Multiple prescription medications can affect your sex drive. Check with your doctor if you think your medication is affecting your sex life. There may be no alternative prescription available, but at least you’ll know if the medication is the culprit.

4Alcohol.

A couple of glasses of wine can make sex more enjoyable, but too much alcohol can have negative effects on your sex life. So be cautious with your alcohol consumption if your sex drive is waning.

5Weight Gain.

How you see yourself greatly affects your want and willingness to have sex. Weight gain can leave you feeling undesirable – no matter your partner’s protests. This lack of self-confidence will negatively affect your sexual interactions, and will likely cause a sexual dry spell.

How to Survive a Sexual Dry Spell with Your Partner

A sexual dry spell can be daunting, especially when you’re in a relationship. It can have you doubting your attraction and the strength of your partnership. But sexual dry spells, especially in long-term relationships, are normal and survivable.

1Discuss it with your partner.

Much like everything else in a relationship, a sexual dry spell should be talked about with your partner. Don’t turn it into a blame game of whose fault it is or isn’t, but rather have a respectful conversation. Acknowledge the dehydrated elephant in the room and talk about how it makes you feel. Discuss how you each feel about sex, what you think has caused the dry spell and what you miss about your sex life. Chat about things you’re looking forward to when your sex drive shifts out of brake. Honesty is the best policy here, no matter of the coin you’re on. Accept your role in the sexual dry spell, and don’t pressure each other.

2Have realistic expectations.

Romantic films and pornography may have given you unrealistic expectations of sex. These notions can doom you to disappointment. The acceptance that sex on screen is fictional reflects a more mature understanding of sex. Knowing and understanding the realities of sexual experiences does not mean that you or your partner are settling. Mind-blowing, spontaneous sex every single time is not the norm, and accepting this reality alleviates the pressure off of you and your significant other.

3It’s not the quantity, it’s the quality.

Frequency doesn’t matter as much if you’re sacrificing satisfaction. A euphoric sex session once a month is ideal to a disappointing roll in the hay five times a week. Improving the sexual encounters you share can improve your relationship and make you feel more connected to each other, easing the frustration of the time in between.

4Have a sense of humor.

Dry spells are inevitable, so before assuming the worst possible cause of the drought, take a breath and laugh about it. Ease the sexual frustration with a healthy dose of humor about the lack of sex in your relationship (not at each other’s expense, of course). Being able to brush it off and take it lightly will help both you and your partner relax and realize that while sex is an important part of your relationship, it isn’t the only part.

5Acknowledge your partner’s advances.

Even if you aren’t in the mood to canoodle, positively acknowledge when your partner expresses their sexual desire for you. Show them your appreciation, and that you are flattered by the attention. Rejecting them with disdain, dismissal, or even just ignoring the advance will leave a bitter taste in your partner’s mouth and may make them think twice about initiating sex in the future.

6Watch porn together.

If watching porn to get you aroused when you’re on your own is good enough, why not try it with your partner? You can look for something you’re both interested in, or you can take turns watching something that’s specific to your tastes. It allows you to learn about your partner’s sexual interests, gives you new ideas for bedroom activities, and helps keep things fresh and new.

7Expand your definition of sex.

Sex is usually defined as penetration or intercourse. If you and your partner can shift how you view sex, you’ll have more sexual options to choose from when you aren’t in the mood to take a trip to pound town. Give each other intimate massages, stick to making out, or maybe mutual masturbation is more your speed. Whatever allows you and your partner an opportunity to deepen your intimate connection is good.

8Try sex therapy.

Sex therapy with your partner can help you get out of your rut. Having conversations with the guidance of a good therapist can guide you through mental blocks carousing the sexual dry spell, difficult conversations, and offer you solutions and things to reflect on that can help you deepen your intimacy.

9Take advantage of every opportunity.

If the drought is caused by a busy schedule, making the most of every spare moment will have to do. If you’ve only got enough time for light kisses or a session of heavy petting, then take it! These little moments of intimacy tell your partner “I want to make love with you right now, but I can’t,” “I enjoy touching you,” and “I miss you.” You can use these quick shows of affection as a build-up to a sexual rendezvous that will occur at a later date. You can also make it clear to your partner that this is just a mini-moment of intimacy so they aren’t left expecting more from the interaction.

10Plan a fun date.

Maybe you or your partner are just not feeling appreciated and adored in the relationship, and that has led to a decline in your sexual desire. Reignite that spark by planning a fun date with your boo. Show them that your desire for them isn’t limited to their bedroom expertise, but you cherish them as a whole person. A date allows you to reacquaint yourself with your partner. You can both slow down and enjoy each other’s company, reminding both of you why you were attracted to each other in the first place.

11Schedule your ‘play dates’.

Everyone’s busy, no one’s to blame. But if you can schedule your work meetings, brunch dates, and breakdowns, you can surely find time to schedule sexy time with your partner. Knowing that sex is imminent can build up anticipation and make you more aroused. And if you become too overwhelmed with life to push through? Reschedule.

12Try a change of scenery.

The bedroom can be intimidating in the middle of a dry spell. It can also feel overplayed. Spice it up by exploring new locations to get down and dirty. You can try the backseat of your car, a grimy nightclub bathroom, or even a hot tub. You might unlock a kink you didn’t know you had.

13Go back to the basics.

On the other hand, revisiting the tried and true of your sex lives might be the key. While a dry spell may instinctually inspire you to explore the wilder side, it might cause you to retreat even further into your shells. The familiar can be comforting, and that might be exactly what you need.

14Take a sex class.

There are classes for everything now, and that includes sex! Sex classes can teach you and your partner new things, allow you to experiment with new toys or bondage styles, or perhaps just teach you different movements and erogenous zones you’ve never explored before. If you’re too shy to sign up for classes, you can also scour the internet – it’s the age of technology! What better way to take advantage of the knowledge the world wide web holds than to use it to improve your sex life.

15Actively combat negative thoughts in the bedroom.

Bad thoughts will take away from what should be a pleasurable experience. Don’t let the voice in your head put you down –  especially during an activity where you should be losing yourself in your partner. Recognize the bad thoughts and reroute your brain to positive ones. It’ll give you more confidence and make sex better for you and your significant other.

How to Escape a Dry Spell When You’re Single

Sexual dry spells are more evident for couples, but they happen when you’re single, too! It can be trickier to get out of, especially because you don’t have a partner to talk to or encourage you out of it – especially when you’re not going through a dry spell but choice. But don’t worry. Dry spells are normal, and here are a couple of ways that can have you knocking boots in no time.

1Do an introspection.

When you’ve got no one to dance the horizontal tango with, it can be kinda hard to have an exciting sex life. But here’s something to consider: are you giving yourself opportunities to find someone to butter your biscuit? Has the lack of partners been on purpose or by accident? Whether you’re the type who enjoys a variety of sexual partners or an exclusive setup is more ideal, think of this sexual dry spell as a timeout.

2Masturbate.

If no one else is getting you off, what’s stopping you from getting it done yourself? Masturbation is a beautiful thing – not to mention it counts as getting out of your dry spell. Whether you choose to use your fingers or your toys, make it a point to prioritize self-pleasure. It will reacquaint you with your sexual self, and reduce stress. You don’t need anyone else to feel sexually fulfilled.

3Take care of yourself.

Not only in the sexual way. Your mental, emotional, and physical state can influence your sex drive. So making sure that you’re happy and healthy can help with a sexual breakthrough.

4Find things that make you feel sexy.

The sexual dry spell might just be because you forgot that you’re a sexy human being. Awaken that carnal creature in you by finding things that make you feel sexy. Take a pole-dancing class, learn to fix a car, schedule a boudoir photoshoot. Take the time to discover whatever makes you feel desirable. It will remind you that you inspire erotic thoughts, and have you hot and bothered in no time.

5Know that you will have sex again.

Don’t let your dry spell get to you. As long as you’re actively trying to get back on that pony by masturbating, seeking a partner/partners, or talking to a doctor if your libido has taken that much of a nosedive, you’ll be perfectly fine. Don’t feel shame in a drop in sexual desire or activity, it’s perfectly normal.

6Check if you’re doing okay mentally.

The brain plays a big part in your libido. Stress, anxiety, or just a busy life can affect your sensuality. Take a breather to make sure that you’re mentally in the zone for sex in the first place.

7Exercise!

Getting blood pumping through your veins in a non-sexual way can actually do wonders for your libido. Oxytocin is great for self-esteem and the changes in your body can make you more confident and help you get your mojo back.

Frequently Asked Questions

A lot of people go through sexual dry spells, and there are questions there, for sure. But because of the stigma, it can be difficult to ask. Here are a few inquiries we’ve come across about sexual dry spells.

1I’m on a self-imposed sexual dry spell. Is that strange?

No. How you go about your sex life is all your prerogative. If you’re happy abstaining from sex, that’s good and you shouldn’t be ashamed. People can choose abstinence for a multitude of reasons: they’re not mentally ready, sickness, trauma, or the simple fact that they don’t want to have sex. We should all respect different sexual preferences.

2Is a sexual dry spell the same thing as being asexual?

Being asexual means that you have no sexual desires or feelings for anyone (but that doesn’t mean that they are unable to perform sexual acts). A sexual dry spell usually means that you are sexually attracted to people, you just aren’t interested in or are unable to have sex for a period of time. That means having a dry spell does not mean that you’re asexual.

3Are dry spells the same for everyone?

Yes, they’re the same. Different genitalia and sexual preference don’t change the definition of a sexual dry spell. If you’re experiencing an extended period without sex, that’s a dry spell. Some may find it more frustrating than others though.

4Are sexual dry spells signs of health concerns?

Unless your libido has a dramatic drop and you can’t attribute it to anything else going on in your life, then probably not. Regardless, if you are concerned, there’s no harm in checking in with a medical professional. But age and stress levels should be taken into consideration as well.

5How long do sexual dry spells usually last?

The longevity of a sexual dry spell can vary depending on your age, career, relationship status, among other things. It averages from 1-2months, but some people have experienced dry spells that span more than two decades.

Takeaway

While sexual dry spells have been demonized, it isn’t the evil it’s been made out to be. Taking sex out of the equation allows you to focus on yourself, your needs, your wants, and your goals. It gives you the opportunity to reacquaint yourself with the new you and your partner.

Use this time as a chance for exploration and discovery of likes, dislikes, and fantasies both inside and outside the bedroom. So that when you’re ready, you’re better equipped to be a self-confident and active sexual partner.

We repeat: sexual dry spells are normal. Don’t be so tough on yourself or your partner if you’re going through one. This, like all rough patches, will pass. Approach the dry spell with light-heartedness, and take this opportunity to get to know yourself better.